6.20.2008

Silence is deafening.

It started when I was a child. Always trying to do right so as to make sure no one was disappointed in me. I don't know what brought it on, exactly, but I realize that sometime after my father passed, my mom would sometimes get angry at me. She's a wonderful mother, don't get me wrong, but I think it was some of her stress coming out. The stress that she was now doing everything. If I was watching television or sleeping in while she was out working in the garden or mowing the lawn- there would be hell to pay. I soon learned to get up when I heard the mower and start my task of raking the thick grass so it didn't kill what was underneath. I learned to bring her a glass of ice water on hot days when she was outside. All I've ever wanted was to make her happy- to make everyone happy. I don't resent her for this; I guess I felt like making her happy was the least I could do.

Not much has changed except the massive number of people I can disappoint now. I try so very hard on a daily basis to say the right things and do the right things so that no one is unhappy with me. Most days, making a decision is left for someone else because my choice may inconvienence them. I try to point out the silver lining in everything so others can find some happiness, too. I try.

To be honest, it's exhausting. And the trouble is, I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to not care. And what is worse than disappointing someone else? Well, nothing- but disappointing myself is a close second.
I've grown tired of wondering
What I should or should not do
When I'm staring down the silence
Of disappointing you

3 comments:

Cerulean Blue said...

you are so in my head right now it's not even funny...

I read the post above this and felt my throat start to close up like an allergic reaction...

WOW... so much to think about...

Tiny Frog said...

Um. I'm sorry but how did you live MY life?

Good God Almighty I couldnt have said it better myself.

Heather said...

I love you.