Card by Freshly Squeezed Designs
(I have a point, I promise).
So, instead of making more work for Cristal, I went in search of someone else to make my holiday cards sing. Through google reader and links, I came across freshly squeezed designs. Jill happily accomodated my request for a card with one of her delicious designs and she was so patient with me while I made miniscule changes to an otherwise darling card. A few hours and several drafts later, I had the finished product in my inbox. Though, if I didn't live in the boonies, she would've uploaded them to Costco so all I had to do was go pick them up- how convenient! I quickly ordered my cards for printing and am now stalking the UPS man (like his truck isn't on auto-pilot straight to my house, anyway). I can't begin to tell you how much I love the internet on a normal day, but especially when it makes my life easier. Below is one of my favorite designs, which I would've chosen for our cards but my husband is a fuddy dud.
...Sometimes, the leaps are what count. Not the take off, not the landing, but that moment when you are suspended in the air, grinning like a fucking idiot at the one you love and praying that you're doing the right thing.
This is the last picture before he hatched. 12/25/2008 - 37 weeks
I wonder if it will be the same the second time around. (I'm not, yet.) I wonder if chasing a baby will make me loathe a belly. I wonder if I'll have morning sickness or high blood pressure, next time.
I'm getting ready, y'all. I ain't getting any younger, you know.
As I sit here, angry that Carter has yet another snotty nose and that he's still speckled from his newly diagnosed penicillin allergy, I'm following MckMama's updates on Stellan. They have brought me to tears. They have brought my breath to my throat. They have brought the Lord's name to my lips. And prayer... oh the constant lingering, whispering prayer.
As a new mom, I want everything to be the best for my baby. I buy snacks with no added sugars. I prefer organic baby food. I'm buying him wooden, handmade toys for Christmas. I hate giving him medicine and delayed giving him benedryl simply because I didn't want his sleep induced by drugs. I want to keep him untainted, as it were.
Can you imagine? Poor Stellan, fighting for his very life.
We are so blessed. Speckled and spotted and snotty and coughing- we are blessed. Carter's heart is strong. His smile is beautiful. His eyes are bright. He is blessed. We are blessed. So, so blessed.
My other niece (on C's side) is getting a cute necklace with her initial on it, too. One thing is for certain, no one will be forgetting who they are this year.
- Last weekend was my first wedding anniversary. C and I laughed that actually being married opened up a whole new world of cards for each other. It's nice to be able to buy for my "husband".
- Can you believe it's been a year, only a year? I say that because on one hand it's FLOWN and on the other, it feels more like five years. Maybe it's because we squeezed five years worth of stuff into one (house, marriage, baby).
- Since the first anniversary gift is traditionally paper, we both followed that theme (unintentionally). He gave me a Paula Deen cookbook and a recipe journal, both of which are funny since I'm a hand granade in the kitchen.
- Every time I go to the store I ask if he needs anything. He always replies, "A sack full of money..." So, that's exactly what he got from me. I bought $100 in scratch off lottery tickets (just doin' my part, E). Of course, we would have been better off if I would've just put $100 in a sack, but the scratching was fun too. I think we won about $35.
- He also bought me my very first gun. I'm the proud owner of a bright and shiny .243 just in time for hunting season. Now all I have to do is try and hit the broadside of a barn, er- deer.
- Make no mistake, I'm pretty stoked about it.
- Speaking of, today kicked off my week of single motherhood. I'm a hunting widow while C is off to Colorado again. When he went last year, I was heavily pregnant (November) and thoroughly enjoyed going to bed early and eating cereal for dinner every night. Oh the difference a year makes, eh?
- My son has regressed to having newborn dirty diapers. Good Lord they're awful. It's been going on for two days- lets all pray he gets over it soon. I'll take nuggets any day.
- Speaking of my darling son, he is THISCLOSE to crawling, finally. He seems to be about a month behind all the other kids his age in his class at daycare. They've all been crawling and cruising for several weeks now... I blame his giganta noggin'.
- When I have another baby, I will be diligent in doing tummy time for the very very beginning. I really think it helps strengthen all these vital muscles used in sitting, crawling and pulling up. We didn't do as much tummy time as we should have with Carter and I think we're now seeing the results... of his giganta noggin', that is.
- I've committed to taking Amber and James' engagement pictures next month. I'm really excited about it, but really anxious about finding a good location with good light in order to get some good shots. That's all I'm going to obsess publicly about that, but just know my wheels are TURNING.
- I'm hosting a baby
showersprinkle this weekend at my mom's. It's at the same time as my high school's homecoming parade, so traffic should be fun. In my hometown, they shut down the major US highway for the parade which really pisses off the truckers. No one else seems to mind though.
- I planned for it to be at my mom's so she could help with Carter while I'm scurrying around doing hostessey things but, you guessed it, she's going to the damn parade. She claims she'll be back in 20 minutes, but WE WILL SEE.
- Hosting a shower is much more difficult than I originally thought, especially since no one is helping aside from my mom making the cupcakes. Yesterday I decided to also make a diaper cake WHICH I'VE NEVER DONE BEFORE.
- I agree that I'm loco. It comes with the territory.
"Do you have a grace period for blogs before you remove them from your reader? If there is no post for 60 days w/o explanation, I delete."
I read that earlier and thought, "Wonder why she cares? I mean, I only see new posts so if a site I follow doesn't have any updates, I wouldn't know without digging." Then I thought, "I wonder if this applies for friends. That would be kind of harsh. Or would it?"
(I can't explain how my mind works, y'all. Just know that there is no explaining brilliance. ha.)
I don't have many friends these days. (No, this isn't some sort of lame plea - I'm just stating a fact.) I can count on one hand minus several fingers the number of people I can count as a "friend" on any given day. It's the bed I've made and I accept it. I'm fine with it, actually. I don't think I'm a great friend. I don't need people. I don't require attention or contact or face time. Some people do and that's where I fail.
On the flip side of my normal behavior, I recently went out of my way for a "friend" spending way too much money on a requested birthday gift. I couldn't help but remember that the same "friend" did not remember my birthday at all, nor did she give thanks for her gift. And I felt bitter. And anger. And resentment. If not for emails with less sentences than this paragraph, we would have no contact even though she lives only an hour away. I repeatedly go out of my way at an attempt at a relationship with her and get nothing but selfishness in return. Is that a friendship?
Friendships come with a contract, even if only implied. It only works if you are both in understanding. When one or both parties break that contract, the friendship is wounded, broken even. Should a grace period be applied before the tie is severed completely? Should the infraction be forgiven without even a word? Should I accept that others do unto me as I have done unto them? If there is no "friendship" within 60 days, should I delete?
Since having a baby, my body isn't exactly something I want to show off. I mean, unless you dig stretch marks and fruit roll up belly. So, when I found swimsuits touting "modesty", I jumped. They're oh so cute and very reasonably priced. I know it's not exactly swimsuit season, but bookmark it for next year. And the cinch skirts are PERFECT for camoflaging.... stuff.
Lime Ricki Swimwear - Currently offering 25% off a select suit each week!
A friend recently introducted me to KatyDid clothes and I placed my first order last week. "Katy" is an east Texas girl, so what's not to love? I was afraid some of her stuff might be too "blingy" for my speed these days, but I found several things that were right up my alley. If they fit the way I expect, I'm going back for seconds for Christmas presents.
- My child is almost NINE MONTHS OLD. Seriously! Where is that pause button already? I feel like it wasn't even me living it.
- He's trying desperatly to crawl. So far, all he's managed to do is perfect his rolling skills. Wiggle, wiggle, roll. Next thing you know, he's on the other side of the room.
- C is convinced he's going to crawl or walk or start doing multiplication while he's in Colorado the second week of October. So, he spends an hour or so every evening urging him to crawl NOW. C is very disappointed our child is the last to crawl. He was the last to roll over and sit too- doesn't he see the trend? What? He came two and a half weeks early!
- Carter's a biter. Yesterday, a baby took the toy he was playing with, so he bent down and bit that baby on the toe. Take that, crawling toy stealer.
- Sleep comes at a premium in our house, meaning Carter gets as much as he wants while mom and dad.... don't.
- Remind me to tell you about Shiner.
- Scentsy has been going good. I'm shocked that total strangers have found me and ordered. I'm really not good at selling things, but so far it's worked out swimmingly! Now if only I can stop buying for myself. I'm running a Holiday layaway plan, but you probably got that memo, didn't you?
- My anniversary is next week. This time a year ago I was wishing the wedding would just go away. Now, I'm not six months pregnant and have much more energy. My days are filled with the faces of angels. What a difference a year makes...
- Speaking of, I put out the call on Twitter for anniversary gift ideas.... Anyone else? Bueller?
Part One - Travel
You may think this topic isn't important, but one of the very first things you'll ever use is your carseat coming home from the hospital. Choose wisely...
- Infant vs. Convertible Seat - First let me define what I'm talking about because I was CLUELESS. An infant carseat has much lower height and weight restrictionthan a convertible carseat, some of which will accomodate up to 50lbs. To me, the advantage of an infant carseat was that it is removeable from the carseat base (which stays in the car) and can double as a "carrier". Who wants to wake a sleeping baby to get it out of the carseat to run in the grocery store? With an infant seat, you just take the whole seat with you. We JUST upgraded to a convertible seat a month ago. Yes, it's an added expense, but to me, the trade off is totally worth it. And for what it's worth, we just upgraded to a convertible seat about a month ago (7 months).
- Travel System - A travel system is an infant seat/stroller combo. While the infant seat is being used, it can be clicked into the stroller for easy free-wheeling. Once the baby outgrows the infant seat, the stroller can be used normally for years to come (up to 50lbs). Pictured is the exact one we have, including the infant seat.
Part two coming soon. What? You think I just whipped this out in 10 minutes? It's taken me a WEEK to click "publish"!
Just look at that thigh. Nom.
*I am also very embarrassed that it has been so long since I've posted. More is coming soon. Pinky promise.
- I just want to put it out there that Jeff is hot. Also, Jordan needs to stop playing hard to get.... give the boy some sugar at least!
- I'm SO glad Russell is gone and it really makes me mad that he tried to play off his 'roid rage as a ploy to Julie. Like he was just acting.
- Michelle is SUCH a bad liar. And a klutz to boot. And her hair is really bad.
- Natalie. Natalie, natalie, natalie. She should've been gone a long time ago. Now she and Kevin are going to turn on Jeff and he won't even know what hit him. Here's to hoping he wises up. And she calls herself a tough competitor but she has YET to win ANYTHING. She's just a coat-tail rider.
- Now that Kevin is HOH (seriously, Jordan- how 'bout some EFFORT in the HOH competition), I'm sure Natalie and Michelle will be even further up his ass. Ugh. I liked Kevin... til he teamed up with stupid Natalie.
- And what the hell was up with those PINK pants Jessie was wearing in the Jury House?
Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments!
Random thoughts from people 25-35 years old..
-I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
-I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
-That's enough, Nickelback.
-I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
-Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.
-How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
- LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
-Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever. (Unless you puke on them- hello Idaho!)
-I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
-Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....
-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
-Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
-There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
-I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
-It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
-I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
-Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
-Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
-It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
-I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
-I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
-The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.
- I like to give credit where credit is due, so I'm giving credit for that picture of me in the previous post to my wonderful husband. Everytime I see it, I'm so thankful for his skills in near beheading.
- I've got two new blogs for you. If you're not reading them, you suck. Not really, but I just discovered them in all the BlogHer hoopla and regret not finding them sooner. Here they are: BHJ and HerBadMother . Such breathtaking talent, these two.
- My son pulled an all-nighter last night and left his father and I with only three measly hours of sleep. Sleep, wake, scream, repeat. Awesome.
- Maybe it's the teeth. Maybe it's his congestion which kept him from his noodle (pacifier). Maybe he was just ready to wild rumpus til
sixseven in the morn'. In any case, I'm tired.
- I'm now a Scentsy consultant. If you don't know what that is, they're "wickless candles" that come in delicious flavors and warmers sized for your home to your office to your car. Give it a look and take a chance! If you don't like the flavor you get, I'll exchange it for something else. (I can't tell you how long I'll do that, but for now, in the beginning, that's how it's gonna be. I aim for complete customer satisfaction.) Everything in the current Spring/Summer catalog is 10% to make way for the Fall/Winter catalog, available September 1. There are manly scents too, W.... like "Hemingway".
- Consider Scentsy, a first step towards conquering fears.
- Dude, I got a Dyson. It's sad when the highlight of my weekend involves a new vacuum. But man, it's sexy.
- C and I are SO into Big Brother this year. I may have a slight crush on Jeff (along with the rest of America). Wasn't last night's episode hilarious with Chima, Natalie and Lydia CRYING over Jessie like he was DEAD? Geez. Get a grip, girls. Also, adios Chima, you crazy heifer.
- Two cheers for the Rangers taking the lead in the AL Wildcard spot! Neftali Feliz is my new favorite pitcher to watch-- he brings the crowd ALIVE with his 100mph tosses.
- I've officially lost 10lbs and am wearing pants I'd forgotten about which are currently a little baggy. Rock. On.
Remember when I said he had four teeth? Scratch that, there are six now. Well, technically five, with a sixth making my life a LIVING HELL until it comes through. He really is a great baby, even when teething, but damn those little teeth make him cranky. And me, since I haven't slept through the night in a couple of weeks either.
We tried YoBaby yogurt the other night and I thought he was going to leap from his Bumbo chair and attack me. I couldn't load the spoon quick enough for him which resulted in him yelling at me with his mouth open like my very own baby bird.
Lately I've been noticing just how much I let fear control my life. Just about any idea I have gets pushed to the side in a "someday" file. Why not today? Because I'm scared. Everyone knows that taking the first step is the hardest part, yet it's always the most rewarding because it's a step towards something wanted. When did I become such a scaredy cat? When did my I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR voice turn into a kitten's meow? I'm really starting to get disgusted with myself about it, too. But then, I'm too scared to do anything about it so I might as well just get over it, right?
I don't know why I haven't been using diaper.com all along. It's so much cheaper than Walmart or Target and if you spend $49 or more, shipping is free and usually arrives in 2 days via UPS. All it requires is a little planning ahead... surely I can manage that, right? When I registered, they gave me a code (SSBA9569) to share- $10 off your first order of diapers. Enjoy!
Bye! See ya, next time! Also, boob talk ahead. Repeat, boob talk ahead. If you are feeling anxious, dizzy or lightheaded please proceed to the nearest exit.
So, remember when I said I had a LASIK evaluation this week? Ohhhh man. I don't even have an expression to effectively communicate what a CLUSTER that was.
I took an entire afternoon off for it. I drove 45 minutes (one way) out of my way for it. And then, I cried all my makeup off after it.
Enough. Here it is.
Turns out, you can't have Lasik if you're pregnant or breastfeeding. No one asked and I honestly didn't think the two had anything to do with each other, so I didn't volunteer it until halfway through the exam when the nurse asked. I assume the only reason she asked is because I mentioned I have a six month old and "GAWD, I can't WAIT to see how bad his eyes will be". Anyway, something about hormones (isn't it ALWAYS about hormones?) affecting your vision and the thickness of your cornea and blah, blah, blah. I'm good with that. Fine as wine in the summertime with it actually. I've been dealing with supply issues from being sick anyway, so why complicate matters by adding steriod drops and valium to the mix?
What I'm not ok with is being completely disrespected for my choice in feeding my child. By a VERY well known doctor- a professional - who couldn't even say the word "breastfeeding". Instead, he referred to it as "that" and, get this, he looked at my boobs everytime he said it. SERIOUSLY.
Here's how it went:
So! We're breastfeeding! I don't know what your timeline is for stopping "that" *glance at boobs*, but I think it's best if we wait to do the procedure when you're done... with "that" *glance at boobs*. I mean, you're going to have to put drops in your eyes every hour and well, it's just not really condusive to doing "that"*glance at boobs*. You're an excellent candidate though and as soon as you're finished with "that" *glance at boobs*, we'll be happy to get you set up for a procedure.
Yeah. He really said and did "that" *glance at boobs*. I've never been so uncomfortable and felt so disrespected in my entire life. Between he and several (female) nurses, everyone in the place knew I WAS BREASTFEEDING. But, we can't discuss it like normal people- noooooooo. We have to loudly whisper about it so people won't hear. We have to ask repeatedly, "You don't know when you're going to quit?" Because it's dirty, right? Feeding my child naturally the way women have done it since the BEGINNING OF TIME*?
I believe my mother said it best: Clearly, his wife never breastfed any of his children... if he even has any.
Ooooh. Burn, Gayle. BURN.
*Please note that I don't care how you choose to feed your child- this is just what I'm doing.
Other stuff that does not include taking pictures of my child. So, for those who only care about the pictures, you can leave now. He's still cute, you'll just have to take my word for it. I'm a bad, lazy mommy who hasn't documented his six month of life for crap.
Since my last confession:
- Carter has cut yet another tooth. On the top this time. What? Slow the eff down, son.
- He's also sitting. Albeit wobbly- it's definetly a sit. Seriously. Slow the eff down.
- He sat so good yesterday that I let him fall over without catching him and misjudged where his melon would land which resulted in a thud on the not so padded part of the pallet followed by a scream. Followed by a "DO I NEED TO TAKE MY CHILD AWAY FROM YOU WOMAN?"
- I also tried my hand at making baby food yesterday. The faces said it all and what they said was "This shit is disgusting. If you don't watch it, I'll make you wear it again, lady." Yes, I said, "again".
- My nomination for mommy of the year has been revoked.
- I got sick last weekend. Friday night I was pretty sure I was going to die. Saturday, I knew I was. I finally got to the doctor on Tuesday with symptoms completely different from Friday. Two shots fixed my fever... and effectively KILLED my milk supply.
- So now I'm dealing with that.
- But one thing I'm not dealing with is a sick kid. GO ME and my magic milk.
- I joined Weight Watchers. So far, I'm down 6.2 lbs. The sickness booster worked. Too bad my appetite is back with a vengance.
- Tomorrow is my Lasik evaluation. I'm all grow'd up and not scared of the laser now, Ma.
- In addition, my son bit me with his new fangled teeth. Dammit it hurt. I cried, I'm not going to lie. Now I nurse in anticipation.
- Did you know nipples could turn purple?
I know no one wants to hear about my perils of breastfeeding. I get it. Most of my (5) readers don't even have children. But, it's my life and thus, I'm writing about it. Believe me, it's only the tip of the iceburg so consider yourselves lucky.
You know what this means, right? It's time to have another baby because mine is growing up.
Just click "VOTE" below to send my favorite, Ian Kinsler to the big show! (Woodrow, I'm looking at YOU.) Vote for Kinsler as many times as you can between now and Thursday, July 9 at 3:00 p.m. CT and you will be automatically registered for a chance to win a suite for a Red Sox vs. Rangers game, or a three-pack of bats autographed by Ian, Michael Young and Josh Hamilton.
- Monday was Carter's six month check up and shots. He weighed in at 17lbs (46th percentile) which is up a little over two pounds from four months. He measured 27 inches long (76th percentile) which was up a little over two inches. And his noggin, oh the noggin was 18" in circumference which is officially off the charts (96th percentile). He got a glowing review from his pediatrician who I cannot stand and I would expect nothing less.
- It was very satisfying to tell the pedi that he's on 100% breastmilk, and yes I'm keeping up with it just fine. My bruised nipples laughed.
- We started solids (as evidenced by my previous post) a couple of weeks ago. Rice cereal (not a fan), followed by apple sauce, followed by a week long poo strike. I finally broke down and gave him pears which apparently did the trick a day or so later. I won't go into details, but the poops, they are a'changin'. I told C it was time to have another baby because mine was already grown up.
- I want to make my own baby food, I just haven't gotten my shit together yet. Maybe this weekend. I'm also very interested in baby led weaning, but it seems that would require me to actually cook.
- He's officially rolling over (occasionally) and is sitting up for mere seconds at a time before falling over. It will come I'm told. I'm not in a hurry for him to be mobile, but sitting up for pictures would be nice.
- My boy loves his toes. See? I sing Radney Foster's song every single time.
Carter is growing so fast. Next week, he'll be six months old. One hundred and eighty-one days of him- gone to memories. I repeatedly ask the heavens for a pause button just so I can remember this day and hold it, him, a little bit longer. I'm not ready to lose him, the baby him. I love the way he loves me, the way he needs me. It's fading though. His independence is growing and while I know the growing him is wonderful too- I already miss my baby.
I am overwhelmed, today – and was overwhelmed yesterday, and the day before that, and am certain that I will be similarly overwhelmed tomorrow – with this singular thought: I do not want my boy to grow up.
I don’t. I just don’t. I know that his future is bright and amazing and that the him that he will be in that bright and amazing future is a him that I will adore with every ounce of the intensity that I adore him now, and then some, but.
At this precise moment in time I am so love with Baby Him, with his soft, pale curls and his baby-tooth grin and his chubby baby bum and his tiny, grabby fists that clutch and hold and cling and the fact that I can press him to me and just hold, just hold on and breathe him in and pretend that we are still two pieces of one body, that I could, if I wanted to, press him back into my chest to beat as my own heart. This him, this incarnation of the human being that he is, this small, precious, sweet-smelling clutchable form of him – this I want to keep. This I want not to lose.
I know that this is impossible; wrong, even. I know that I should rejoice in the fact that he grows, he thrives, he marches – he leaps! he runs! he tumbles! – steadfastly forward into his own future. And I do, I do rejoice in this, just as I have rejoiced in the transformation of his sister from baby into girl. But I also mourn.
This is a truth about being a parent that nothing and no-one can prepare you for: that it is a continual experience of loss, a never-ending stream of moments of goodbye. That from the moment your children come into your life you are losing them. That the person your child is today is a person you will never meet again, a person that you will, in some ways, forget, as he or she is replaced by new people, bigger people, faster people, people with more words, people with more independence, people whose primary purpose is to move continually away from you.
Here are some of my most favorite moments from every day, lately:
- When I pick him up from his bed after he's finished stretching to greet the day. He's still in that sleepy daze and will usually relax his body onto my shoulder which I soak up before the day starts.
- The mid-nursing swap when he happily waits with his mouth wide open like my very own baby bird.
- The beaming smile at seeing me at the end of the day.
- The loving strokes of nursing a sleepy baby drifting off to dream.
I want to remember every moment. His smells, his smiles. What noises make him happy and what touches make him squeal with delight. This living, breathing, BEING that is part C and part me- it's amazing. Absolutely amazing.
We've been talking about having another. Are we capable? Will it be too much? And the question that keeps catching in my throat- How can I ever love another as much as I love Carter? How can one be capable of that much love? I guess when I know the answers, I'll know I'm ready. But until then, I am so happy and honored just to be Carter's mom.
Used to, editing some pictures would satisfy it. Now, not so much. I have so many ideas and dreams it's ridiculous. Everything sounds like something I want to and can do. I'm so close to buying various machines or renting store space it's not even funny. I've got to find an outlet before I make a decision which will quickly drown me.
My days look like this:
- 5:30am - alarm goes off.
- 5:45am(ish) - I get out of bed, shower, do hair & makeup
- 6:10am - wake Carter, change his clothes & diaper, nurse
- 6:30am - wake C.
- 6:40am - put Carter on the bed to hang out while I get dressed.
- 6:50am - finish helping C get various bottles and bags together.
- 7-7:05am - leave the house
- 7:45-7:50am - arrive at daycare and leave my baby for the day. Multiple kisses ensue.
- 8-8:05am - arrive at work and watch the clock.
- 4:45pm-5pm - leave work to pick up Carter
- 5:45-6pm - arrive home
- 6pm-8:30pm - feed and play with Carter. Hopefully have dinner.
- 8:30pm-10pm - fix bottles for the next day. Watch some tv. Try not to fall asleep in mid-sentence.
- 10pm(ish) - lights out.
I'm not complaining- don't misread. It's just that I need more sleep. I crave it. But it never fails - I never get it. Adding anything else to this routine will mean I get even less. Yet.... I. want. more.
Last week it was the art for his walls and this:
Today, it's these.
I'm in love.