Sometimes I'm convinced I'm the only woman going through this. You know, the tears and worry and smiles and hugs and trying to squeeze as much love as possible into the brief moments you have together that it's exhausting and potentially smothering. But I know I'm not. I find solace in other women online who had babies around the same time as me, so I can read their stories and realize I'm not crazy afterall.
Before I had Carter, I didn't understand when mothers said I would experience a love like I've never known before. It's so true. I don't remember what it felt like to not have him in my life, in my heart. Some days I think I can't possibly love any more, but then he smiles and I melt and suddenly there's more room in my heart. He is the BEST thing that we've ever done- hands down. We are so blessed.
This is day three back to work and day three of daycare. Let me tell you, we're still figuring things out. Sometimes I find myself getting lost in my work and then remembering I have a baby and I feel guilty for forgetting him for a moment. How can that happen with the digital frame and pictures scattered around my office? It only takes a glimpse at his face smiling back at me for all the memories to come rushing back.
"I miss him" doesn't even do justice to what leaving him feels like. Knowing the ladies at the daycare are there to change him and feed him and attempt to soothe him when he's sad- but they can't ever love him enough. Today, I went to visit during lunch and he stopped fussing the moment he heard my voice. Talk about making a mama feel good! He really does love me! It's just such a big change- for both of us. If I think about it too much I get weepy, so excuse the lack of elaboration.
I can't gather all my thoughts enough to effectively communicate how I feel this week. Just know that it's been awful and wonderful all at the same time. Awful when I have to leave him and awful when I'm away. Wonderful in that I appreciate the time I get to spend with his smiles more, but damn it slips away so quickly... next thing you know he'll be starting kindergarten, then college, then I'll be a grandma. Oy.