4.01.2009

Follow me...

Sometimes I'm convinced I'm the only woman going through this. You know, the tears and worry and smiles and hugs and trying to squeeze as much love as possible into the brief moments you have together that it's exhausting and potentially smothering. But I know I'm not. I find solace in other women online who had babies around the same time as me, so I can read their stories and realize I'm not crazy afterall.

Before I had Carter, I didn't understand when mothers said I would experience a love like I've never known before. It's so true. I don't remember what it felt like to not have him in my life, in my heart. Some days I think I can't possibly love any more, but then he smiles and I melt and suddenly there's more room in my heart. He is the BEST thing that we've ever done- hands down. We are so blessed.

This is day three back to work and day three of daycare. Let me tell you, we're still figuring things out. Sometimes I find myself getting lost in my work and then remembering I have a baby and I feel guilty for forgetting him for a moment. How can that happen with the digital frame and pictures scattered around my office? It only takes a glimpse at his face smiling back at me for all the memories to come rushing back.

"I miss him" doesn't even do justice to what leaving him feels like. Knowing the ladies at the daycare are there to change him and feed him and attempt to soothe him when he's sad- but they can't ever love him enough. Today, I went to visit during lunch and he stopped fussing the moment he heard my voice. Talk about making a mama feel good! He really does love me! It's just such a big change- for both of us. If I think about it too much I get weepy, so excuse the lack of elaboration.

*sigh*

I can't gather all my thoughts enough to effectively communicate how I feel this week. Just know that it's been awful and wonderful all at the same time. Awful when I have to leave him and awful when I'm away. Wonderful in that I appreciate the time I get to spend with his smiles more, but damn it slips away so quickly... next thing you know he'll be starting kindergarten, then college, then I'll be a grandma. Oy.

4 comments:

Jessica said...

I am a working mother too. It is tough, but you will get through the worst of it. My kiddo is now 2, and I still have issues with it sometimes.

I know how you are feeling!

Jamie said...

It's very hard, but you already have the most important part figured out....cherish the time you do have with him. I learned not to take anytime I had with mine for granted....same goes with my grandkids....#3 on the way.

growinguptater said...

Hang in there it gets better! I was a sobbing wreck when I left Hank for the first time! Nick had to drop him off the rest of the week because I couldn't leave the room without crying!

It gets better but I am thinking of you guys this week!

growinguptater said...

Hang in there it gets better! I was a sobbing wreck when I left Hank for the first time! Nick had to drop him off the rest of the week because I couldn't leave the room without crying!

It gets better but I am thinking of you guys this week!