I'm on maternity leave, remember?

Where do I even begin?

Maternity leave makes me feel like a horrible mother.  There, that's a good place to start.

I feel like a "good" mother would relish this time to have both of their children 100% of the time and spend so much quality time together.  I feel like a "good" mother doesn't look this forward to nap time or bedtime or any other "quiet" time.  My children are great so why do I want to lock myself in the bathroom just to have some peace?

This makes me feel like a bad mom.  Like maybe I wasn't meant for kids even though I cannot imagine my life any other way.  My return to work is looming and I'm not looking forward to it because I know I will long to be at home with both of my kids instead of allowing someone else to see their smiles and hear their laughter.  Where is the balance?  Where is the fairness?  Why do I feel like absolute shit for feeling like this?

I know I'm not a bad mom.  My kids are happy, healthy and well adjusted, albeit a little bit bored because their mother doesn't know how to handle both of them in public.  Oh and dirty because when bath time comes, the baby is crying and all I hear is the "NO!" chorus, so the reality of going to bed a little bit dirty isn't really that bad.

I keep thinking that tomorrow I'll get it together.  But, tomorrow comes and my mom comes over and my toddler gets so excited to see her because he knows he'll get to go outside and throw rocks and get dirty and be a boy.  And then he cries when she leaves because we all know I'm no fun.

Let's all say it together.

I'm.  No.  Fun.