Suggested

I just read this and it cracked me up to the point that I had to challenge Google, as well.  I honestly never paid attention to their "suggestions" before, but now... lawsie mercy.


All I typed was the word "why":

Wow, Google. Just wow.

Becoming a mom, derailed

I remember the first day that C left Carter and I and went back to work.  It was after the hardest week of my life, daily hour-away doctor appointments and more tears and less sleep than I ever imagined possible.  Thinking back, I don't know how I lived through it, except maybe on sheer adreneline.  He was mine, all mine.  The responsibility of changing all diapers, of soothing all cries, of holding him through every single nap.  But, that's when I became a mother.

I don't find motherhood easy.  I think keeping Carter by myself is exhausting work.  C says it's "fun!" but I can count the hours he has had Carter by himself on one hand.  Now that he's crawling (no, not walking yet- don't judge!), it's even worse.  Just when I settle into my nest on the couch, it's back up to retrieve him from the kitchen or the dog bowl or the laundry room.  It's keeping a watchful eye on his every move and knowing that if he's quiet.... he's up to something.  It's spotting that mystery item he's just put in his mouth, it's closing doors so he can't go further, it's making sure there are no cords or plugs or other electrical things he can get to.  It's hearing him scream when I take one of these forbidden treasures away.  It's is he hungry or is he sleepy or did he just shit himself?  Even after he goes to bed, I've got my ever-trusty monitor inches from my ear listening, even while trying to relax.  A few days ago, while in the midst of double-ear-infection-hell, I didn't wake up all night.  I woke with a full bladder at 6am startled that I hadn't heard him cry all night.  Was that the case or did I SLEEP THROUGH IT?  Oh the guilt. 

That's another thing about becoming a mother.  The guilt.  I feel guilty for being ready to stop breastfeeding, shouldn't I want to nurse til he's ready to quit?  I feel guilty for even THINKING about leaving him for a couple of hours to go do something for myself.  A movie?  A massage?  THE GUILT.  I feel guilty that he eats more snack food than real food.  I feel guilty that I work an hour away from home and that we spend two hours a day in the car.  I feel guilty though that he only gets a 45 minute nap on the way home most days.  I feel guilty that he doesn't get a bath every night (THERE I SAID IT).  I feel guilty that he's still drinking milk from a bottle and not transitioning to a cup.  I feel guilty that he isn't walking yet because it's probably my fault for HOLDING HIM TOO MUCH. 

No, I don't feel better for confessing.  I feel guilty for complaining.  And it pisses me off when I read about how mothers should "let go of the guilt".  Frankly, I think that's a cop out.  Going to get a massage won't make me a better mom, I'll just be sore because I couldn't relax over the GUILT.


Now that I've derailed my well-intentioned post straight into a brick wall of GUILT, I'm going to go take a breath.  Don't get me wrong, being a mother is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me and I wouldn't change a single solitary second.  I cannot imagine a life without Carter- does one even exist? 

New year, New adventures

I'm a frequent reader of I Heart Faces but have never participated in their weekly challenge.  Since this is their birthday week, what a better time to try my hand?  This week's theme is my "Best Face Photo". 

Here's a recent picture of my little guy... before it got too cold to go pantless!

 

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas...

I promise to post more in 2010. It's one of my resolutions... and you know the follow through rate on those is REALLY HIGH.

Card by Freshly Squeezed Designs

344.5

His legs are getting longer.  New clothes fit, time to box up the not-so-old ones.  When did that happen?

His hair is unruly.  Straight with a preference for straight.  Sometimes with a little added straight.  Where did he get it?  Me, I'm sure.  Like everything else.

His hands slap against the floor as he giggles and moves so quickly.  Slow down, little one.

He is ticklish, just about everywhere if you catch him at the right time.  His squeals are delicious.

Speaking of delicious... his toes are edible.  And his thighs.  And the palms of his hands.

I'll kiss those hands even though they're covered in dirt and juice and germs.  I don't care.  A thousand times over, I don't care.

Time will move so quickly, they told me.  From the first moment, they were right.  Where did my wrinkled baby go?  The one who had such an appetite but couldn't eat?  When did those dark days filled with bili-lights end?   Where did the feet that filled those tiny socks disappear to?  Replaced now by toddler feet, anxious to explore the world?

The world awaits.  And yet, I hold him just a little bit tighter.  And a little bit longer.  Until he insists on going after it. 

He's growing up and I'm not ready.  I ache. 

No one told me about the ache.

Designing a Holiday

A couple of weeks ago, I had my very talented friend, Cristal, take some pictures of my family and I.  Love. My intent was to get something presentable for a holiday card.  I'd never done Christmas card pictures before, so of course I was over prepared, complete with potential outfit changes.  They weren't needed because Cristal is a complete professional.  In addition, she's crazy busy between taking and editing photos and wrangling her kids, who are four and one (and stunningly beautiful and sweet). 

(I have a point, I promise).

So, instead of making more work for Cristal, I went in search of someone else to make my holiday cards sing.  Through google reader and links, I came across freshly squeezed designs.  Jill happily accomodated my request for a card with one of her delicious designs and she was so patient with me while I made miniscule changes to an otherwise darling card.  A few hours and several drafts later, I had the finished product in my inbox.  Though, if I didn't live in the boonies, she would've uploaded them to Costco so all I had to do was go pick them up- how convenient!  I quickly ordered my cards for printing and am now stalking the UPS man (like his truck isn't on auto-pilot straight to my house, anyway).  I can't begin to tell you how much I love the internet on a normal day, but especially when it makes my life easier. Below is one of my favorite designs, which I would've chosen for our cards but my husband is a fuddy dud.

Thanks, Jill!

World's Cutest

Tell me I'm wrong. I dare you.

Easy Like Sunday Morning - 11.15.09

Sharing

I read this and loved it and wanted to remember it. What better way to remember than to share? I hope Ryan doesn't mind.

...Sometimes, the leaps are what count. Not the take off, not the landing, but that moment when you are suspended in the air, grinning like a fucking idiot at the one you love and praying that you're doing the right thing.

View from a deer stand, opening day

Even if I didn't see one dang deer, at least I saw a beautiful sunset.

Wishful Dreaming

I wish I'd taken more pictures of myself when I was pregnant. I loved being pregnant. I loved being rotund and awkward and out of breath. Maybe because I had an excuse to not be skinny or maybe because the belly absorbed anything extra around my middle (also promptly left it in it's wake). I loved it even in the very last moments. Carter was breech, so I was accustomed to rubbing his head or back in my belly. I loved trying to figure out what body parts I felt. I loved feeling him move, even when he woke me up in the middle of the night. The pain in my hips and back is a distant memory, because I remember the love I had for the belly.

This is the last picture before he hatched. 12/25/2008 - 37 weeks

I wonder if it will be the same the second time around. (I'm not, yet.) I wonder if chasing a baby will make me loathe a belly. I wonder if I'll have morning sickness or high blood pressure, next time.


I'm getting ready, y'all. I ain't getting any younger, you know.

Shiny Gem

I'm praying for Stellan. Are you?

As I sit here, angry that Carter has yet another snotty nose and that he's still speckled from his newly diagnosed penicillin allergy, I'm following MckMama's updates on Stellan. They have brought me to tears. They have brought my breath to my throat. They have brought the Lord's name to my lips. And prayer... oh the constant lingering, whispering prayer.

As a new mom, I want everything to be the best for my baby. I buy snacks with no added sugars. I prefer organic baby food. I'm buying him wooden, handmade toys for Christmas. I hate giving him medicine and delayed giving him benedryl simply because I didn't want his sleep induced by drugs. I want to keep him untainted, as it were.


Can you imagine? Poor Stellan, fighting for his very life.

We are so blessed. Speckled and spotted and snotty and coughing- we are blessed. Carter's heart is strong. His smile is beautiful. His eyes are bright. He is blessed. We are blessed. So, so blessed.

Christmas Treats

I know, it's not even Halloween yet and here I'm posting about Christmas. That's because I'm already buying for Christmas. And while I'm at it, I thought I'd share just in case it filled a void in your list.

Labels. The idea first started with my little niece. I thought she's like to have some waterproof labels with her name on them so she could stick them everywhere. I remember being her age and getting some address labels on a roll from that insert in the Sunday paper, you know the one? Anyway, I stuck them everywhere. And to this day, my alarm clock still has my name and address on it. Yes, it's old. Several websites have really cute designs, but I went with Cherry Hill Designs. They did Carter's bottle labels and they've held up very well, plus I love that it's a mom-run business. She's very quick too! In addition, I ordered a set of monogram return address labels for my mom, sister, sister in-law and mother in-law. Who doesn't like a good monogram?

Jewelry. Speaking of monograms, I'm on a major kick. So, at least three people are getting something from sTuckintheCoop, my favorite Etsy store. I recently looked at her shop and my goodness, it is stuffed with beautiful things!!! So many, I can't find recipiants for it all! I do know that Carter's great-grandmother (MeMe) is getting this bracelet, with the initials of all her great-grandchildren (8) and their birthstones.

My other niece (on C's side) is getting a cute necklace with her initial on it, too. One thing is for certain, no one will be forgetting who they are this year.

And just because, look at the adorable Christmas ornament I'm adding to our tree this year. Every year, I add a "family" ornament so in a few more years we'll have a tree that means something. This year's came from Lisa Leonard.

Thursday Things

• Last weekend was my first wedding anniversary. C and I laughed that actually being married opened up a whole new world of cards for each other. It's nice to be able to buy for my "husband".
• Can you believe it's been a year, only a year? I say that because on one hand it's FLOWN and on the other, it feels more like five years. Maybe it's because we squeezed five years worth of stuff into one (house, marriage, baby).
• Since the first anniversary gift is traditionally paper, we both followed that theme (unintentionally). He gave me a Paula Deen cookbook and a recipe journal, both of which are funny since I'm a hand granade in the kitchen.
• Every time I go to the store I ask if he needs anything. He always replies, "A sack full of money..." So, that's exactly what he got from me. I bought $100 in scratch off lottery tickets (just doin' my part, E). Of course, we would have been better off if I would've just put $100 in a sack, but the scratching was fun too. I think we won about $35.
• He also bought me my very first gun. I'm the proud owner of a bright and shiny .243 just in time for hunting season. Now all I have to do is try and hit the broadside of a barn, er- deer.
• Make no mistake, I'm pretty stoked about it.
• Speaking of, today kicked off my week of single motherhood. I'm a hunting widow while C is off to Colorado again. When he went last year, I was heavily pregnant (November) and thoroughly enjoyed going to bed early and eating cereal for dinner every night. Oh the difference a year makes, eh?
• My son has regressed to having newborn dirty diapers. Good Lord they're awful. It's been going on for two days- lets all pray he gets over it soon. I'll take nuggets any day.
• Speaking of my darling son, he is THISCLOSE to crawling, finally. He seems to be about a month behind all the other kids his age in his class at daycare. They've all been crawling and cruising for several weeks now... I blame his giganta noggin'.
• When I have another baby, I will be diligent in doing tummy time for the very very beginning. I really think it helps strengthen all these vital muscles used in sitting, crawling and pulling up. We didn't do as much tummy time as we should have with Carter and I think we're now seeing the results... of his giganta noggin', that is.
• I've committed to taking Amber and James' engagement pictures next month. I'm really excited about it, but really anxious about finding a good location with good light in order to get some good shots. That's all I'm going to obsess publicly about that, but just know my wheels are TURNING.
• I'm hosting a baby shower sprinkle this weekend at my mom's. It's at the same time as my high school's homecoming parade, so traffic should be fun. In my hometown, they shut down the major US highway for the parade which really pisses off the truckers. No one else seems to mind though.
• I planned for it to be at my mom's so she could help with Carter while I'm scurrying around doing hostessey things but, you guessed it, she's going to the damn parade. She claims she'll be back in 20 minutes, but WE WILL SEE.
• Hosting a shower is much more difficult than I originally thought, especially since no one is helping aside from my mom making the cupcakes. Yesterday I decided to also make a diaper cake WHICH I'VE NEVER DONE BEFORE.
• I agree that I'm loco. It comes with the territory.