Baby Fat

Decorating

When we bought our house back in July, I knew we would be doing some work on it. I didn't know exactly when that would be, but I did know that I didn't want to decorate it twice. So, now that our walls are done, I'm dreaming & hunting for what to put on them.













Today, I learned that Vol. 25 is having a buy two get one free sale! I've had my eye on the kitchen series for some time, so now might be just the time to get my butt in gear! Just look at the whimsy and color!



My only hesitation is that since my kitchen walls aren't the soft, lime green with white wainscotting I had originally imagined I hope they match!

Check out some of her other precious prints:

Etsy=Love

This is on it's way to me...

Rebound

This is going to sound silly, but sometimes I forget that I'm a mom. Let me clarify by saying, I KNOW I have a kid and I can't forget that, but the title is what I forget. Like routine questions when you meet someone new- "Do you have any kids?" My first reaction is to say "Nope! Not yet" but uhhh, I do.

Mother's Day is coming up and I'm trying to decide what to do for my mom and MIL. I forget that for the first time in my whole entire life, finally I'm included. Last Mother's Day, I had just found out I was pregnant and no one knew except C. I'm fairly certain a snide comment was made about how I'd never have children and I remember it being very hurtful knowing I was carrying a teeny baby in my womb. I thought, "Just wait til next year!!!" And now, here I am. A walking, talking M.O.M.

I've got stories and pictures and circles under my eyes. I've got pee'd on clothes and drooled on shoulders. In fact, just this morning, I got snotted on for the first time. (It was gross, trust me) I've got tubes of dirty diapers from the Diaper Genie and poopy clothes from daycare. All of that and the cutest, sweetest baby in the world.

I don't want to discount my life before the baby, because I had a really good life, but man. This is the good stuff. This is what I've been waiting for. This is... it.

Struggling

This is my life now. It may be boring to most, but it's all I've got.

Everyone knows I'm breastfeeding. I've been pretty blatant about it on this blog and in real life. Sure, Carter's had formula when I had nothing pumped and we were on the go, but for the most part, he's a boob baby. When I went back to work, I didn't think anything would change. I'd pump while he was at daycare and it would be just like him nursing. Wrong.

Breastfeeding is a supply and demand business. The only way to truly increase supply is to demand more. That said, I'm dealing with supply issues in week three of being back. I guess maybe my milk is adjusting to the demand (or lack there of) and my output just keeps getting lower and lower. I've gone from pumping three times a day to five. I've gone from no herbal supplements, to -potentially- four kinds of pills multiple times each day. The feeling of knowing my child may not have enough to eat tomorrow is terrifying. It's horribly stressful and it's just plain not fair. In addition, the thought of quitting, of weaning him and giving up- well that's just plain unacceptable. I've worked so hard to get where I am (ironically enough, now that it's down the tube!) The thing is, I'm afraid that's what is happening without me even knowing.

So, here I sit. Stressed, but trying not to be. Afraid, but putting on a brave face. While the world keeps on spinning, I feel like I'm struggling just to keep my head above water.

I also changed the title of my blog... somehow it's just more appropriate.

Paint, take two

So I promised pictures, but I forgot. We scrapped "Light Sage" in the kitchen and are going with the hall color, Olive Gray. The Light Sage was just too light... almost teal or aqua and I felt that, although I could've lived with it, I would be really limited in what colors I could accent with. So, with nothing more than a text message, the decision was communicated to the painter and when I get home today, it'll be done. ALL done. No more workers in my house, except my husband.















I'm going to try and take tomorrow off so we can hunt for flooring. Our weekend is going to be so busy with Easter activites, so it's really our only day to get anything house-related done. Daycare is closed and I'd already lined up my mom and sister to keep the tooter, so it should be pretty painless. As if.

Let there be PAINT!

So, I knew the painter was coming today and that we had to pick paint yesterday, but C called yesterday around noon and said I had to pick paint by 4:00. That means, I had to make ALL the choices BY MYSELF and then prepare myself to tolerate the "I can't believe you picked this awful color" for the next 20 years. (It'll take me that long to put my son down.) Along with the help of my co-worker, below is what we chose. I wanted khaki colors and C wanted olive colors, so me, being the pleaser that I am, tried to pick colors he would like. Greens really were a better choice than browns because we have chocolate leather furniture and, eventually, wood floors. Talk about brown overload! Fingers crossed that it looks nice. Please oh please let it look nice!

And so it goes...

• I only thought I hated Mondays. Now, I have to leave him for the first time every single week. Lori said she still crys some Mondays... I understand. I'll be crying every Monday morning from now til he goes to college. Which will be next week as fast as time is flying.
• To cope, I had a slice of homemade cheesecake for breakfast at work. Yum. I'm glad someone's wife has spare time to do things like that.
• I went Easter dress shopping yesterday and bought one in a MEDIUM! Go me and my lactating ass! (No, my ass isn't lactating, you freaks- but I'm a calorie burning fool!)
• Every week, Saturday specifically, I tell Carter "xx weeks ago at this time..." to celebrate another week of his life. This week, I forgot. It was Sunday morning before I remembered. Is this what my life is like now? Distracted and busy and stressed and trying to cram every.single.second. that I've missed with my son into two days? Unacceptable and impossible.
• Our house is still in shambles. We're still living only out of the master bedroom, but there's an end in sight- sort of. Last week, the walls and ceilings in the den, living room, kitchen, foyer and hallway were textured and yesterday, we had them painted (flat white). Wednesday, color will be going up. Color which we haven't chosen yet. Olive or khaki? How many shades?
• Our inherited refridgerator that was born in like 1978 crapped out some time over the weekend. I thought the door was left cracked overnite, but no- things were sweating because THERE WAS NO MORE COLD AIR. Grrrreat. Apparently it's working for the moment, but it's a good thing a new one was already in our budget.
• I had high hopes that by returning to work, I would have more time to write. That's probably true, but I'm finding topics not involving the baby very hard to come by. Has this evolved into a Mommy blog? Probably so. But, it always has been and always will be a reflection of my life. And I'm a mommy now.
• Congratulations to Gabby and Robert on their little Robert the third. I don't know what they're going to call him, but I'm lobbying for Tres!
• My job rank has been restructured as an hourly position. I've never been hourly. My boss think's it's horseshit and encouraged me to maintain my flexibility. She said she refuses to pay me for less than 80 hours every two weeks. I feel restricted and watched. And my face is still stinging from the slap.
• Happy Opening Day, Ranger fans!
• Random thoughts from the ACM's: I can't stand Jennifer Nettles (Sugarland) voice. What did Toby Keith's hat do to deserve being forced over his gigantic noggin? Jack... heyyyyyyy. Matthew's boots-- great story. I'm sure George has helped more than one guy score in his life. Taylor Swift- why must you continue to torture us with live performances?

False Alarm.

And no sooner did I publish my last post, daycare called. He had been "crying excessively" since I left (he was asleep when I left him) and they couldn't get him to stop. So I flew over there in tears thinking the worst only to find him asleep when I got there. Another nursing mom who works there and has a little girl in his class had him and he was sucking on her daughter's pacifier tucked in tight to her chest. Maybe the smell or sense of another nursing mom calmed him- that's all I can figure.

In a way though, I'm heartbroken that he didn't need me. He found comfort in another woman... I guess I better get used to it, huh?

Follow me...

Sometimes I'm convinced I'm the only woman going through this. You know, the tears and worry and smiles and hugs and trying to squeeze as much love as possible into the brief moments you have together that it's exhausting and potentially smothering. But I know I'm not. I find solace in other women online who had babies around the same time as me, so I can read their stories and realize I'm not crazy afterall.

Before I had Carter, I didn't understand when mothers said I would experience a love like I've never known before. It's so true. I don't remember what it felt like to not have him in my life, in my heart. Some days I think I can't possibly love any more, but then he smiles and I melt and suddenly there's more room in my heart. He is the BEST thing that we've ever done- hands down. We are so blessed.

This is day three back to work and day three of daycare. Let me tell you, we're still figuring things out. Sometimes I find myself getting lost in my work and then remembering I have a baby and I feel guilty for forgetting him for a moment. How can that happen with the digital frame and pictures scattered around my office? It only takes a glimpse at his face smiling back at me for all the memories to come rushing back.

"I miss him" doesn't even do justice to what leaving him feels like. Knowing the ladies at the daycare are there to change him and feed him and attempt to soothe him when he's sad- but they can't ever love him enough. Today, I went to visit during lunch and he stopped fussing the moment he heard my voice. Talk about making a mama feel good! He really does love me! It's just such a big change- for both of us. If I think about it too much I get weepy, so excuse the lack of elaboration.

*sigh*

I can't gather all my thoughts enough to effectively communicate how I feel this week. Just know that it's been awful and wonderful all at the same time. Awful when I have to leave him and awful when I'm away. Wonderful in that I appreciate the time I get to spend with his smiles more, but damn it slips away so quickly... next thing you know he'll be starting kindergarten, then college, then I'll be a grandma. Oy.