Struggling

This is my life now. It may be boring to most, but it's all I've got.

Everyone knows I'm breastfeeding. I've been pretty blatant about it on this blog and in real life. Sure, Carter's had formula when I had nothing pumped and we were on the go, but for the most part, he's a boob baby. When I went back to work, I didn't think anything would change. I'd pump while he was at daycare and it would be just like him nursing. Wrong.

Breastfeeding is a supply and demand business. The only way to truly increase supply is to demand more. That said, I'm dealing with supply issues in week three of being back. I guess maybe my milk is adjusting to the demand (or lack there of) and my output just keeps getting lower and lower. I've gone from pumping three times a day to five. I've gone from no herbal supplements, to -potentially- four kinds of pills multiple times each day. The feeling of knowing my child may not have enough to eat tomorrow is terrifying. It's horribly stressful and it's just plain not fair. In addition, the thought of quitting, of weaning him and giving up- well that's just plain unacceptable. I've worked so hard to get where I am (ironically enough, now that it's down the tube!) The thing is, I'm afraid that's what is happening without me even knowing.

So, here I sit. Stressed, but trying not to be. Afraid, but putting on a brave face. While the world keeps on spinning, I feel like I'm struggling just to keep my head above water.

I also changed the title of my blog... somehow it's just more appropriate.

Paint, take two

So I promised pictures, but I forgot. We scrapped "Light Sage" in the kitchen and are going with the hall color, Olive Gray. The Light Sage was just too light... almost teal or aqua and I felt that, although I could've lived with it, I would be really limited in what colors I could accent with. So, with nothing more than a text message, the decision was communicated to the painter and when I get home today, it'll be done. ALL done. No more workers in my house, except my husband.















I'm going to try and take tomorrow off so we can hunt for flooring. Our weekend is going to be so busy with Easter activites, so it's really our only day to get anything house-related done. Daycare is closed and I'd already lined up my mom and sister to keep the tooter, so it should be pretty painless. As if.

Let there be PAINT!

So, I knew the painter was coming today and that we had to pick paint yesterday, but C called yesterday around noon and said I had to pick paint by 4:00. That means, I had to make ALL the choices BY MYSELF and then prepare myself to tolerate the "I can't believe you picked this awful color" for the next 20 years. (It'll take me that long to put my son down.) Along with the help of my co-worker, below is what we chose. I wanted khaki colors and C wanted olive colors, so me, being the pleaser that I am, tried to pick colors he would like. Greens really were a better choice than browns because we have chocolate leather furniture and, eventually, wood floors. Talk about brown overload! Fingers crossed that it looks nice. Please oh please let it look nice!

And so it goes...

• I only thought I hated Mondays. Now, I have to leave him for the first time every single week. Lori said she still crys some Mondays... I understand. I'll be crying every Monday morning from now til he goes to college. Which will be next week as fast as time is flying.
• To cope, I had a slice of homemade cheesecake for breakfast at work. Yum. I'm glad someone's wife has spare time to do things like that.
• I went Easter dress shopping yesterday and bought one in a MEDIUM! Go me and my lactating ass! (No, my ass isn't lactating, you freaks- but I'm a calorie burning fool!)
• Every week, Saturday specifically, I tell Carter "xx weeks ago at this time..." to celebrate another week of his life. This week, I forgot. It was Sunday morning before I remembered. Is this what my life is like now? Distracted and busy and stressed and trying to cram every.single.second. that I've missed with my son into two days? Unacceptable and impossible.
• Our house is still in shambles. We're still living only out of the master bedroom, but there's an end in sight- sort of. Last week, the walls and ceilings in the den, living room, kitchen, foyer and hallway were textured and yesterday, we had them painted (flat white). Wednesday, color will be going up. Color which we haven't chosen yet. Olive or khaki? How many shades?
• Our inherited refridgerator that was born in like 1978 crapped out some time over the weekend. I thought the door was left cracked overnite, but no- things were sweating because THERE WAS NO MORE COLD AIR. Grrrreat. Apparently it's working for the moment, but it's a good thing a new one was already in our budget.
• I had high hopes that by returning to work, I would have more time to write. That's probably true, but I'm finding topics not involving the baby very hard to come by. Has this evolved into a Mommy blog? Probably so. But, it always has been and always will be a reflection of my life. And I'm a mommy now.
• Congratulations to Gabby and Robert on their little Robert the third. I don't know what they're going to call him, but I'm lobbying for Tres!
• My job rank has been restructured as an hourly position. I've never been hourly. My boss think's it's horseshit and encouraged me to maintain my flexibility. She said she refuses to pay me for less than 80 hours every two weeks. I feel restricted and watched. And my face is still stinging from the slap.
• Happy Opening Day, Ranger fans!
• Random thoughts from the ACM's: I can't stand Jennifer Nettles (Sugarland) voice. What did Toby Keith's hat do to deserve being forced over his gigantic noggin? Jack... heyyyyyyy. Matthew's boots-- great story. I'm sure George has helped more than one guy score in his life. Taylor Swift- why must you continue to torture us with live performances?

False Alarm.

And no sooner did I publish my last post, daycare called. He had been "crying excessively" since I left (he was asleep when I left him) and they couldn't get him to stop. So I flew over there in tears thinking the worst only to find him asleep when I got there. Another nursing mom who works there and has a little girl in his class had him and he was sucking on her daughter's pacifier tucked in tight to her chest. Maybe the smell or sense of another nursing mom calmed him- that's all I can figure.

In a way though, I'm heartbroken that he didn't need me. He found comfort in another woman... I guess I better get used to it, huh?

Follow me...

Sometimes I'm convinced I'm the only woman going through this. You know, the tears and worry and smiles and hugs and trying to squeeze as much love as possible into the brief moments you have together that it's exhausting and potentially smothering. But I know I'm not. I find solace in other women online who had babies around the same time as me, so I can read their stories and realize I'm not crazy afterall.

Before I had Carter, I didn't understand when mothers said I would experience a love like I've never known before. It's so true. I don't remember what it felt like to not have him in my life, in my heart. Some days I think I can't possibly love any more, but then he smiles and I melt and suddenly there's more room in my heart. He is the BEST thing that we've ever done- hands down. We are so blessed.

This is day three back to work and day three of daycare. Let me tell you, we're still figuring things out. Sometimes I find myself getting lost in my work and then remembering I have a baby and I feel guilty for forgetting him for a moment. How can that happen with the digital frame and pictures scattered around my office? It only takes a glimpse at his face smiling back at me for all the memories to come rushing back.

"I miss him" doesn't even do justice to what leaving him feels like. Knowing the ladies at the daycare are there to change him and feed him and attempt to soothe him when he's sad- but they can't ever love him enough. Today, I went to visit during lunch and he stopped fussing the moment he heard my voice. Talk about making a mama feel good! He really does love me! It's just such a big change- for both of us. If I think about it too much I get weepy, so excuse the lack of elaboration.

*sigh*

I can't gather all my thoughts enough to effectively communicate how I feel this week. Just know that it's been awful and wonderful all at the same time. Awful when I have to leave him and awful when I'm away. Wonderful in that I appreciate the time I get to spend with his smiles more, but damn it slips away so quickly... next thing you know he'll be starting kindergarten, then college, then I'll be a grandma. Oy.

Real Quick

• St. Paddy's day was a hit. See the adorableness below. (Thanks for the outfit, Aunt Heather!)
  
• Also, I love my baby in BabyLegs. His dad thinks they're ridiculous and that he looks like Baby Flashdance, but whatevs.
• My house is in remodel hell-- actually that will be tomorrow when I'm driven from the confines of my living room so I can get real walls put up. (Drywall instead of awful painted PANELING)
• I go back to work Monday. No, I don't want to talk about it.
• Pollen sucks.
  
• I took my nephew's senior pictures last Sunday- he showed up with a hickey on his neck. AWESOME. Thank goodness for photoshop.
  

Here are pictures to illustrate my post. (Please note these are the only ones I've been able to edit and probably aren't the best I have)

Exhaustion, Tummy Time and a haircut - 9 weeks

Six Weeks- a Milestone

• Is this my kid or what? Those that know me have certainly seen that SCOWL before! As evidenced, the kid has my frown. And his father gets a giggle out of it every time he sees it.

• Thanks to the Halo SleepSack, we went from waking up every two hours to only one time per night. It's a miracle, I say. I only wish we would've started using it sooner! (Thanks MMJ- the BEST find!!)

• He's also learned to smile. The pictures are a little fuzzy but it's because I was trying to take pictures really fast before he screamed.


• Check out his new chair-- thanks Josh! It's super plush and plays some great tunes. (Plus it vibrates, which I think feels good you know where!)
  
• As of 5 weeks 6 days, he weighed 8lbs 10 oz. He gained a POUND in two weeks! Go me!
• Some ladies from my mom's church threw me a diaper/gift card shower yesterday. Girls- that is the way to GO! We got so many diapers (which are so expensive), so if you're having more than one shower- make one a diaper shower! It's awesome. Hopefully we'll be graduating to size 1 soon (out of Newborns).
  
• He's got the cutest thighs (ham hocks) and fat belly - he looks like a little drunk man... see?
  

These are the days of our lives...

Just a couple of pictures... Lil' in his puppy dog jacket (size newborn that finally fits) and a decent one with me. At least I had on makeup!

Now with real sentences!

I figure I should take advantage of this quiet time.

My son is 19 days old today. Every day I figure up how old he is and mourn the previous day of his life because he'll never be that age again. Seriously, it's heartbreaking how fast he's growing up. In grown up time, these past 19 days feel like they've crawled but in baby time- in the time he's now awake and more alert- time is flying.

So much has happened, I don't know how I'll ever be able to write about it all. Let me start with the bad. From what I've heard, the first two weeks are the hardest and we get a pass on the first week. Picking up where I left off, we continued the trek back and forth to our pediatrician every single day of his first week of life. Including Saturday. And on each and every one of those days, his foot was pricked to draw blood for his jaundice and he was weighed. Each day, he lost more weight and the supplements went up (though his jaundice was getting better). We were force feeding this child and he still wasn't putting on weight. By Saturday, I was hysterical. Not only hormonal and sleep deprived, but I felt like a failure of a mother. I'm supposed to be able to care for my child- hell, my only job is to keep him alive- and I was failing. C did his best to tell me I wasn't a failure, but I couldn't help the way I felt. That day, we saw another pedi in the practice who received the brunt of my feelings via tears. When C walked into that room and told me he'd lost another ounce, I lost it. Soon after, the doctor came in, startled to see a parent in tears before he'd even said hello. My feelings of failure soon turned to rage because, after looking at Carter's data, and verifying he'd been on "phototherapy" since Wednesday for his jaundice, he said the following. "I can see that you're obviously frustrated with this situation, but I really wouldn't expect him to gain any weight while on phototherapy since it kind of dehydrates them. You're maintaining and that's what I'd expect to see."

Uhh. WHAT? No one had shared that little tidbit. So, here we've been browbeaten over his weight loss every single day for a week and NOW we hear this? Seriously. Rage doesn't even begin to cover it. I was pissed at my young-ass pediatrician and I was pissed at the "lactation consultant" who wasn't helping us but more alerting the media with every loss. (We'd later learn she wasn't even a real lactation consultant but a WIC counselor with a breastfeeding lesson.

So, I did what any other insane mother would do. I looked elsewhere for help. Monday morning, I called the Lactation Center at the hospital.

I need to back up for a minute because I haven't addressed this issue yet. While we were in the hospital, one of the lactation consultants came to visit us to see how we were doing. She immediately showed concern over his "tongue-tie". This isn't our child, but it's exactly what his tongue looked like.



See the heart shape? Carter couldn't even stick his tongue our past his lower gumline, much less breastfeed properly. When I discussed this with out pedi when he came to check Carter in the hospital, he didn't seem concerned and said most kids are able to cope just fine. Even the other pedi we saw said, "Those ladies (at the lactation center) like to make a big deal about it, but it's usually nothing."



WRONG. FAIL.


So, when I called to make an appointment with the lactation center, they were of course, happy to see us. When we made it apparent that we had researched tongue-tie and the procedure to clip the membrane and that we wanted it done, they were over joyed. So happy in fact, they called a pediatrician-type on duty at the hospital and had it clipped right then and there in their cubby hole of an office. There were maybe three drops of blood, one scream and he was brought straight to me to breastfeed.

Let me just say, there was a night and day difference. Suddenly, this child can eat! This whole time it wasn't me not providing enough, it was his poor, heart shaped little tongue not allowing him to eat! Not only had the stubborn doctors effected my child, but my milk supply was almost non-existent due to the lack of demand. So, I immediately went on herbs and teas to hopefully boost it. Wouldn't that just be ironic for him to finally be able to eat and me have nothing to give him? But alas, all was not lost. That was done last Monday. By Wednesday, he'd gained an ounce. By Friday, he was up three ounces. Yesterday, we went back to that damned pediatrician for his two week well baby appointment and he was up another 3.5 ounces bringing his weight to 6lbs 15.5oz. Can we just call that 7 pounds and get a hallelujah?!!

There is certainly something to be said for taking control of a situation and finding another way. I'm usually a pretty big pushover, but I can honestly say, this was the first best decision I'd made for my child, damning the consequences. My child will have fat rolls in no time... just weight and see.

So, that's been my life for the past 19 days. Eating every 2 hours, supplementing with formula via fingers and tubes to now, finally gaining weight. I'm not even complaining about the lack of sleep or the screaming during diaper changes and I'm not complaining about being confined to this house. My child is thriving and for that, I'm the happiest mom in the world. Now if you'll excuse me, my baby is hungry!












You can see where his frenulum (the membrane we cut) used to be attached. To me, a crying baby never looked so good.

My "imprint".

I promise to post something with real words and complete sentences. I promise. But for now...

The way I find myself loving you is the best thing I've ever done

He's here!

If you haven't heard, our baby boy made his early debut on Saturday, 01/03/09. Carter weighed 7lbs and 6 oz and was 20" long. He's actually 19.25" long, but who's counting? Perfect is perfect. Because he was breech, we had a c-section scheduled for 01/13, but he had other plans since my water broke Saturday morning about 8am and he was delivered (via c-section) at 11:28am. I guess the doctor on call had plans for the day because no one wasted any time (which I appreciated). I was having mild contractions by the time we arrived at the hospital, but nothing too painful. I never knew how a person could fall so completely in love with a tiny little creature in a split second, but that's exactly what happened the moment I heard his first cry. Sight unseen, I knew we'd made perfection. As for his head, it was 14.5" around which elicited a "WOW!" from my doctor when she came to see us on Monday. She was out of town (on a cruise) for the delivery. Of course, he looks nothing like Cartman (from Southpark) or Hoss Cartright (Bonanza).

We were released to come home on Monday and have been on a whirlwind ride ever since. When we left the hospital, his weight was 6lbs 14 oz, but no one was concerned since some weight loss is normal. By Tuesday at the pediatrician visit, he weighed 6lbs 9oz which was past our allotted loss of 10% of his birth weight. I'm nursing, but my milk had just started to come in yesterday, so we had a visit with an awesome lactation consultant and received some formula to supplement with at every other feeding. Needless to say, I was NOT happy about the formula since I had grand plans of exclusively breastfeeding (Since I'm built for it!). The nurse showed us how to "finger feed" which means Carter sucks on our pinky finger while we squirt formula into his mouth via a syringe. Therefore, he's sucking and getting milk all at the same time with no confusion-- other than how Dad's finger makes milk.... ;-) So far it's working great. We go back for a weight check this afternoon, so we're praying he's gained something. We're feeding every two hours and supplementing with formula (on top of breastmilk) at every other feeding. I'm sure this is way more information than anyone cares about, but I'm pretty impressed with how we're doing.

Also at our visit yesterday, the doctor checked his bilirubin levels for jaundice. He called mid-afternoon to let us know that his levels were too high for his comfort and that he would arrange for a "blanket" to be brought out to us. It kind of ticked me off because that was the first I'd heard that he could be jaundiced-- everything up until then was "within normal levels" and was nothing to worry about. So, we went from "normal" to jaundiced. We had the "blanket" delivered and promptly put poor Carter in the contraption. It's hardly a blanket and is more like a belt that wraps around his mid-section that emits UV light. We're "killing the bad billy's" no matter how uncomfortable it is. Clint and I took turns sleeping with him in the living room- either on the floor or in a chair-- which made for a long night. We survived though and are hopeful that we don't have many more days of this treatment. It's for the best though, I just feel so sorry for the poor little toot.

As for me, the recovery from the c-section has been fairly easy. Sure, I'm sore but nothing like I anticipated. I was up and walking the day after delivery and the nurses were astounded that I was standing up straight and getting around so well. I didn't realize there was another option. It's only gotten better. I can tell when it's time for more pain meds, but they're pretty low grade and just take the edge off the pain so I can get around easier. My staples are being removed this afternoon, so I'll no longer have a smiley face with braces in my lower abdomen!

All in all, it's been a tiring, awe inspiring few days. We're trying to catch naps here and there but there's just so much to do. It's hard to believe he's only four days old and already I can't remember life without him. I'll try to send pictures out regularly, so let me know if you get sick of seeing our kid. Oddly enough, we can't take our eyes off of him. I'm sure I'm leaving out important details, but this is the important stuff. Thank you for the calls, texts, good thoughts and prayers. Keep them up- we're total newbies at this parenting gig, after all!