I should be working on month-end close

But instead, I'm reading the crime log from my old alma mater's newspaper. When I was in college, that was always my favorite section and... it looks like it still is. I don't know what's more entertaining- what was done or the way it was written. Behold:

• Missing Person. Officers took a missing person report from a complainant in Crockett who said their brother went to The Anex in Nacogdoches last night but never returned home to Crockett. Crockett PD then located him this afternoon driving drunk in town and arrested him.
• At 1:33 a.m. an officer observed a vehicle that was parked with the engine running in Lot 58. As the officer approached the vehicle he observed that the driver was slumped over behind the steering wheel. The officer made contact with the driver and could detect a strong odor of an alcoholic beverage on his breath. The officer then placed this subject under arrest for public intoxication and transported him to the Nacogdoches County Law Enforcement Center.
• An officer was dispatched to the University Center in reference to theft. The officer contacted the complainant, who stated that sometime between 12/20/2007 and 02/12/2008 a Kodak camera was noticed to be missing or misplaced from the office of the Multicultural Center in the student center and the complainant further advised that she needed to file a report. There are no suspects.
• An officer was dispatched to the University Center in reference to criminal mischief that occurred by four juvenile males. The officer arrived and contacted the complainant, who stated that a black marks-a-lot was used by one of the juveniles to write on the walls. It was found that the juvenile that had written on the walls had been previously banned from campus. He was taken into custody and transported to the Juvenile Detention facility in Longview. There are four suspects.
• An officer was dispatched to Steen Hall in reference to a person with a handgun. The officer made contact with the complainant, who stated that she observed a male exhibit a handgun from the waistband of his pants. The suspect was gone upon the officer's arrival and the officer received further information that the handgun was possibly a toy. There are no suspects.
• Assault. Officers were dispatched to this residence regarding a disturbance. Officers arrived and contacted suspects who are husband and wife. Officers determined that the two had a lengthy argument during which they pushed and shoved each other. They were intoxicated and not cooperative, and both were arrested.
• Driving while intoxicated/possession of a control substance/possession of marijuana. An officer observed a vehicle attempt a U-turn in the 1900 block of North Street. The vehicle struck both curbs, crossed the sidewalk and went around a light pole. Officer affected a traffic stop on the vehicle and it pulled over the curb and onto the sidewalk. Officer contacted and identified the driver as Phillip Harvey. He displayed indicators of intoxication. Officer instructed Harvey through field sobriety tests and did poorly. He was arrested. A search of the vehicle incident to arrest revealed Hydrocodone, Alprazolam, Carisprodol and marijuana. He was arrested.
• Criminal Trespass. An officer was dispatched to Rudy's regarding a subject refusing to leave. Officers told him to leave and he stated he would not leave. Officers informed him he would be arrested if he did not leave. He told officers to arrest him. He was arrested.