Oh God.

Finally, someone put this feeling into words in a way I can't.

I am overwhelmed, today – and was overwhelmed yesterday, and the day before that, and am certain that I will be similarly overwhelmed tomorrow – with this singular thought: I do not want my boy to grow up.

I don’t. I just don’t. I know that his future is bright and amazing and that the him that he will be in that bright and amazing future is a him that I will adore with every ounce of the intensity that I adore him now, and then some, but.


At this precise moment in time I am so love with Baby Him, with his soft, pale curls and his baby-tooth grin and his chubby baby bum and his tiny, grabby fists that clutch and hold and cling and the fact that I can press him to me and just hold, just hold on and breathe him in and pretend that we are still two pieces of one body, that I could, if I wanted to, press him back into my chest to beat as my own heart. This him, this incarnation of the human being that he is, this small, precious, sweet-smelling clutchable form of him – this I want to keep. This I want not to lose.

I know that this is impossible; wrong, even. I know that I should rejoice in the fact that he grows, he thrives, he marches – he leaps! he runs! he tumbles! – steadfastly forward into his own future. And I do, I do rejoice in this, just as I have rejoiced in the transformation of his sister from baby into girl. But I also mourn.

This is a truth about being a parent that nothing and no-one can prepare you for: that it is a continual experience of loss, a never-ending stream of moments of goodbye. That from the moment your children come into your life you are losing them. That the person your child is today is a person you will never meet again, a person that you will, in some ways, forget, as he or she is replaced by new people, bigger people, faster people, people with more words, people with more independence, people whose primary purpose is to move continually away from you.

Carter is growing so fast. Next week, he'll be six months old. One hundred and eighty-one days of him- gone to memories. I repeatedly ask the heavens for a pause button just so I can remember this day and hold it, him, a little bit longer. I'm not ready to lose him, the baby him. I love the way he loves me, the way he needs me. It's fading though. His independence is growing and while I know the growing him is wonderful too- I already miss my baby.

Here are some of my most favorite moments from every day, lately:
  • When I pick him up from his bed after he's finished stretching to greet the day. He's still in that sleepy daze and will usually relax his body onto my shoulder which I soak up before the day starts.
  • The mid-nursing swap when he happily waits with his mouth wide open like my very own baby bird.
  • The beaming smile at seeing me at the end of the day.
  • The loving strokes of nursing a sleepy baby drifting off to dream.

I want to remember every moment. His smells, his smiles. What noises make him happy and what touches make him squeal with delight. This living, breathing, BEING that is part C and part me- it's amazing. Absolutely amazing.

We've been talking about having another. Are we capable? Will it be too much? And the question that keeps catching in my throat- How can I ever love another as much as I love Carter? How can one be capable of that much love? I guess when I know the answers, I'll know I'm ready. But until then, I am so happy and honored just to be Carter's mom.


I needed this today.

And it's totally acceptable that it came from a piece of chocolate. Reason # 5,678,321 of why I'm not perfect. I. EAT. CHOCOLATE.


Like a hampster on a wheel

Every few months I find myself feeling anxious. Brimming with ideas. Shopping on a binge. Desire for... something. It's my creativity trying to find an outlet. I know it and realize it but yet I do nothing about it.

Used to, editing some pictures would satisfy it. Now, not so much. I have so many ideas and dreams it's ridiculous. Everything sounds like something I want to and can do. I'm so close to buying various machines or renting store space it's not even funny. I've got to find an outlet before I make a decision which will quickly drown me.

My days look like this:
  • 5:30am - alarm goes off.
  • 5:45am(ish) - I get out of bed, shower, do hair & makeup
  • 6:10am - wake Carter, change his clothes & diaper, nurse
  • 6:30am - wake C.
  • 6:40am - put Carter on the bed to hang out while I get dressed.
  • 6:50am - finish helping C get various bottles and bags together.
  • 7-7:05am - leave the house
  • 7:45-7:50am - arrive at daycare and leave my baby for the day. Multiple kisses ensue.
  • 8-8:05am - arrive at work and watch the clock.
  • 4:45pm-5pm - leave work to pick up Carter
  • 5:45-6pm - arrive home
  • 6pm-8:30pm - feed and play with Carter. Hopefully have dinner.
  • 8:30pm-10pm - fix bottles for the next day. Watch some tv. Try not to fall asleep in mid-sentence.
  • 10pm(ish) - lights out.

I'm not complaining- don't misread. It's just that I need more sleep. I crave it. But it never fails - I never get it. Adding anything else to this routine will mean I get even less. Yet.... I. want. more.

Playing Hard (another Etsy post)

I'm spoiling my child. I don't buy him tons of expensive clothes, in fact, his first three months were spend almost entirely in hand-me-downs. He wears Walmart onesies with pride. I don't own shoes that fit him (who needs 'em?). But I do want him to have nice things. Nice things he can give to his kids someday. Nice things I can put on a shelf after he's lost interest. Nice things not made in China of plastic. Nice things like the ones I'm spending entirely too much money on, but consider it an investment... in him and his happiness. And in the earth... can you see my slightly light green glow?

Last week it was the art for his walls and this:

Today, it's these.

I'm in love.


I finally did it.

I ordered prints from vol.25. She's having another BOGO sale and this time, I refused to miss out... especially since she was raising money for a new camera. Me of all people couldn't NOT help with that!

Check out what I got:

These are for Carter's room... if I ever get around to actually moving him in there.

This one is just because... I love it.

And finally! For the kitchen! I think they'll look awesome with our new paint colors. Assuming we actually move back into the rest of the house, that is.



Well that went over like a lead balloon. Moving on!

Here are pictures of our floors which are finished save but one board. One measly board. But, that's not enough to keep us from celebrating! Next up- trim.

Playing Favorites

I have 265 subscriptions on my Google Reader and man does it make life easier. But, who is to say enough is enough? In honor of that, here are my top 10 favorites- the ones I read first every time. In return, share your favorites with me.

These three women are my favorites. I never can remember which two already have their babies and which is pregnant until I read their post, but they never fail to disappoint.
Quarter Life Crisis
She Likes Purple
She Just Walks Around With It

Oh Me, this girl sure can write. She's funny, sassy and thoughtful.
Girl's Gone Child

Take funny women, add kids and get endless entertainment
Not That You Asked

It help that I've known her since kindergarten, I guess, but she takes beautiful pictures of her adorable (and precocious- Jacob!) kids.

Photographer blogs I dig:
Jasmine Star (I just want to hang out with her)
Jessica Claire (She's planning her own wedding - a wedding photographer's wedding = delish!)

This one. Oh, this one. Her son (same age as Carter) died last month or 6 weeks ago from (all they can determine) SIDS. It's sad. It's heartwrenching. It's changed the way I mother.