Showing posts with label confessions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label confessions. Show all posts

12.11.2008

Clueless

If you start peeing your pants just go to the hospital, okay? Just go.


Now's when I confess that I'm more than a little scared I won't know when it's "time". Sure, there are all sorts of things that are "supposed" to happen, but guess what- they don't always. Apparently, it's not always like on tv. How will I know that my back ache is actually "back labor"? Or, like today, if my super hard belly is a contraction or just my child in a ball (still don't know)? I've never done this birthin' business before and I think I have a pretty high tolerance for pain, so what if I confuse contractions with heartburn? I should also mention that I live a solid hour away from the hospital. Forty-five minutes if I'm coming from work. So, some people prefer to "labor at home" until they're really going good. Me? I'll probably be in labor for three days before I realize it and I'll have the baby in the floorboard of the Camry. Nice mental image, eh?

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This morning, I got an email notifying me I'd won this adorable onesie from the Etsy Baby Blog giveaway! Yay for PeaPie!

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AND, I just got word that the art I commissioned for my kitchen is finished! Too bad the kitchen isn't!

11.07.2008

Si Se Puede.

Since the election, I've had a blog post I've been wanting to write, although somewhere along the way, I ran out of time and steam. It was going to be honest and proud and offer the question of "what the hell were you thinking" to some of the people whose comments I've been less than impressed by in the moments since Obama's win. I was going to say that I was even growing weary of the "change" anthem until I realized- it's not about a black man or history or civil rights or any of those really, really great things. It's about doing things differently than we've done them in the past. It's about hope, which is something this country really, really needs. In case you haven't noticed, we're in the shitter, both domestically and in the eyes of the rest of the world. And frankly, that's not where the "greatest country in the world" is supposed to be. Maybe "hope" to some is about a black man, but to me, he's a leader who realizes what a daunting task he has in front of him. And it's hope for my unborn child to be born into a country with the future on its side. So, be you a red or a blue, I think we can all agree that things need to change around here. There's that word again- which I guess is why it's been so over-used in this election. Like I told my husband, there's four years locked up now for things to go differently and it's not going to be easy. But democrats have been in control before and guess what- the world didn't stopped turning. It's just one term- four years- and then the republicans can have another shot. Even if you didn't vote for him (and I know some of you passionately did not), he's "going to be your president too". (I just loved that part of the speech.) I voted for Barak Obama- there, I said it. I don't even care if you think that I am the anti-christ for falling for his pretty speeches. I needed something to believe in and for me, he's the man for the job. Me and Obama- Anti-Christs for change.

Somehow in my 28+ years on this earth, I've became a very tolerant person. I understand that some people don't think the way I do and that a lot of people prefer to live with blinders on to the fact that there are other, valid ideas out there than the ones in their narrow little minds. I'm cool with "disagreeing without being disagreeable". I don't force my ideas on anyone, nor do I condemn anyone for their beliefs. However, being tolerant doesn't mean I haven't been angered, shocked and so disappointed in comments I've heard and read by friends, family and acquaintances over this election. That's all I'm going to say, but if you think I'm talking about you, I probably am. Angered. Shocked. Disappointed.

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So, look at that, I managed to make my intended post by accident. Now I'll get to my real reason for writing today.

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Yesterday I took the day off to take some pictures of my best childhood girlfriend's family while she was in town. I didn't actually have to do that til afternoon, so I took Kit (She's a seven and a half yr old Cocker Spaniel) to the vet first thing yesterday morning. Let me back up and say that she and I had a really bad night Wednesday and I'm embarrassed and ashamed of the way I treated her all because her poor ears were giving her fits. I've treated her like a step-child and that stopped yesterday because I knew my sanity was in danger. Not to mention her life if she didn't stop with the damn dars. So, we made it to the office about 9:30 and didn't leave until 11:30. At least an hour+ of that time was spent with the doctor- this can't bode well, right? Right. It had been several years since she got her shots or had a checkup of any kind, so I told them to give me the full meal deal. Let's just start by saying the only good news I heard was that she didn't have worms. It all goes downhill from there. She needs her teeth cleaned due to some "significant tarter build up and gingivitis", but even that wasn't a big priority by the end of the appointment. Her ears were "typical cocker ears" and while she didn't have mites, she had a pretty raging infection and irreversable damage. So, we're doing a 10 day clean and treat with antibiotics and then we'll go back to see if he can actually see her ear drums. She's also on steroids to reduce the swelling in there. I know she hates the cleanings (which I've successfully done on my own twice now, thankyouverymuch!) but it's for her own good, dammit. Now comes the BEST (read worst) news of the appointment. He started rubbing on her "undercarriage" and all of her glorious 10 (or 13 if you count the strays) titties. He started feeling lumps- or nodules- as he called them, on her the left side. And as nonchalantly as if he were talking about the weather he says, "Yep. That's probably cancer." Now there I was trying my best to love that dog as my own and make her understand that I was really sorry for getting so mad at her the night before and he has to go throw out "CANCER"? Dammit all to hell.

So, I told her daddy last night over the phone so he'd know what to expect when I start asking him what the hell he wants to do. The vet recommends bloodwork and a chest X-ray to see if it spread to her lungs or liver, then surgery to remove it. It will then be biopsied to see if it was the agressive kind or the kind that stays in the mammaries. Adn then.... Ugh. And again I say, Ugh.

Needless to say, I'm not really having a hard time loving her right now. We bonded in that exam room sometime between having her blood drawn and having her ears cleaned and being told she has cancer, just like any other woman could. She needed me in those moments to keep her calm and safe and she counted on me to make sure of it. Once we got home, she was my shadow and hasn't stopped. She's forgiven me and shown that she loves me even though I'm a crazy hormonal bitch. And she still respects my authori-tie.

So there's my news. Our dog has cancer.

6.20.2008

Silence is deafening.

It started when I was a child. Always trying to do right so as to make sure no one was disappointed in me. I don't know what brought it on, exactly, but I realize that sometime after my father passed, my mom would sometimes get angry at me. She's a wonderful mother, don't get me wrong, but I think it was some of her stress coming out. The stress that she was now doing everything. If I was watching television or sleeping in while she was out working in the garden or mowing the lawn- there would be hell to pay. I soon learned to get up when I heard the mower and start my task of raking the thick grass so it didn't kill what was underneath. I learned to bring her a glass of ice water on hot days when she was outside. All I've ever wanted was to make her happy- to make everyone happy. I don't resent her for this; I guess I felt like making her happy was the least I could do.

Not much has changed except the massive number of people I can disappoint now. I try so very hard on a daily basis to say the right things and do the right things so that no one is unhappy with me. Most days, making a decision is left for someone else because my choice may inconvienence them. I try to point out the silver lining in everything so others can find some happiness, too. I try.

To be honest, it's exhausting. And the trouble is, I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to not care. And what is worse than disappointing someone else? Well, nothing- but disappointing myself is a close second.
I've grown tired of wondering
What I should or should not do
When I'm staring down the silence
Of disappointing you

3.26.2008

Wednesday Confession:

I bought the damn song off iTunes and listened to it three times on my way to work.

3.25.2008

Tuesday Confession:

I woke up this morning with that damn Miley Cyrus song stuck in my head. If you don't know what (or who) I'm talking about, consider yourself lucky. As soon as I got in my car, I turned the station to XM's 20 on 20 which does a top 20 countdown three or four times a day and plays nothing but top 40 the rest of the time. I just knew I'd hear it-- and sure enough, it was the second song on, though I caught only half in my flipping.

Seriously. What (practically) 28 year old, self respecting woman listens to MILEY CYRUS aka HANNAH EFFING MONTANA?!!!

Here's the chorus which made me laugh out loud when I read it. THIS is what I sang in the shower this morning?!!!

The last time I freaked out
I just kept looking down
I st-st-stuttered when you asked me what I’m thinkin’ ’bout
Felt like I couldn’t breathe
You asked what’s wrong with me
My best friend Leslie said
Oh she’s just being Miley
The next time we hang out
I will redeem myself
My heart it can’t rest till then
Oo oh Oo Oh I, I can’t wait to see you again


I'm going to the gym now and am secretly hoping I hear it on my drive there so I can stop singing, "I'm just being Mil-ey" over and over and over again in my head. Ugh.