Silence is deafening.

It started when I was a child. Always trying to do right so as to make sure no one was disappointed in me. I don't know what brought it on, exactly, but I realize that sometime after my father passed, my mom would sometimes get angry at me. She's a wonderful mother, don't get me wrong, but I think it was some of her stress coming out. The stress that she was now doing everything. If I was watching television or sleeping in while she was out working in the garden or mowing the lawn- there would be hell to pay. I soon learned to get up when I heard the mower and start my task of raking the thick grass so it didn't kill what was underneath. I learned to bring her a glass of ice water on hot days when she was outside. All I've ever wanted was to make her happy- to make everyone happy. I don't resent her for this; I guess I felt like making her happy was the least I could do.

Not much has changed except the massive number of people I can disappoint now. I try so very hard on a daily basis to say the right things and do the right things so that no one is unhappy with me. Most days, making a decision is left for someone else because my choice may inconvienence them. I try to point out the silver lining in everything so others can find some happiness, too. I try.

To be honest, it's exhausting. And the trouble is, I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to not care. And what is worse than disappointing someone else? Well, nothing- but disappointing myself is a close second.

I've grown tired of wondering
What I should or should not do
When I'm staring down the silence
Of disappointing you