Where do I even begin?
Maternity leave makes me feel like a horrible mother. There, that's a good place to start.
I feel like a "good" mother would relish this time to have both of their children 100% of the time and spend so much quality time together. I feel like a "good" mother doesn't look this forward to nap time or bedtime or any other "quiet" time. My children are great so why do I want to lock myself in the bathroom just to have some peace?
This makes me feel like a bad mom. Like maybe I wasn't meant for kids even though I cannot imagine my life any other way. My return to work is looming and I'm not looking forward to it because I know I will long to be at home with both of my kids instead of allowing someone else to see their smiles and hear their laughter. Where is the balance? Where is the fairness? Why do I feel like absolute shit for feeling like this?
I know I'm not a bad mom. My kids are happy, healthy and well adjusted, albeit a little bit bored because their mother doesn't know how to handle both of them in public. Oh and dirty because when bath time comes, the baby is crying and all I hear is the "NO!" chorus, so the reality of going to bed a little bit dirty isn't really that bad.
I keep thinking that tomorrow I'll get it together. But, tomorrow comes and my mom comes over and my toddler gets so excited to see her because he knows he'll get to go outside and throw rocks and get dirty and be a boy. And then he cries when she leaves because we all know I'm no fun.
Let's all say it together.
I'm. No. Fun.
10.19.2010
9.29.2010
CB x 2
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| Carter and Cooper |
"Bayyybee" is the first thing Carter says in the morning. He loves seeing his baby brother and has learned to gently soothe the baby by patting and saying "heyyyyy", just like mama. I've been very surprised and very happy to see the transition happen.
I won't lie though, the first couple of weeks were tough. Carter was almost angry in his actions. Lots of "NO!", complete with slapping at us. C was home from work the first week, but when he went back on week two, I implemented time out and Carter got more of what he really needed and wanted-- one on one time with me. We had both missed it, I think. Slowly but surely, my sweet boy returned. Don't get me wrong, he's still runs balls to the wall while his eyes are open, but at least there's no anger-- just all boy.
As for me, I'm exhausted. Not because the baby keeps me up, because he doesn't (hate me if you must). It's more of having two boys all by myself. Thank goodness the baby naps a lot during the day still. And, I LIVE for Carter's nap time. That is something that will not be missed! It's really my only down time until bedtime. It's my time to shower or get dinner together or nap (which I've done once but say I'm going to do every day). C had to work a lot over the weekend and I got a taste of what my reality could be... I was so happy to have him home. I joke that there's no rest and recovery during this maternity leave... wait, that's not a joke.
I have gained the utmost respect for a) single mother's who do it all, all the time and b) stay at home mom's. I feel guilty for wanting a break- shouldn't I WANT to be with my kids all the time? I won't go so far as to say I want to go back to work, because that would be a lie, but man.... help sure would be nice during the waking hours.
And, on another note, both boys were weighed yesterday. Carter: 31lbs & 33.5" tall. Cooper: 7lbs 15oz! Whooooo for mama!
9.11.2010
Cooper's Here!
So, a little over a week ago, I was bitching about being 40 weeks pregnant. Not for long though. Cooper Ryan arrived on September 02, 2010 (90210, for those of you playing along) at 1:20pm. He was 7lbs 5oz and 19 inches of pure perfection. He wasn't even breech like he'd been the whole pregnancy... somehow he'd turned and I hadn't noticed. Apparently, he got a big gulp of fluid in his lungs right before he came out and was having a little trouble "transitioning" to oxygen, so he had to spend several hours in the NICU for observation. His breathing was very rapid, but he quickly go the hang of it. When the nurse brought him to me (around 6pm), she said, "He's VERY awake and VERY hungry!" He was already chewing on his little hands like a feign. Lucky for me, he nursed like a champ from the word go and has NO signs of tongue tie. Yayyyyy! On Friday, they told me that he was Coombs positive, which meant that some of my blood (O+) and his blood (A+) had mixed so he had a touch of jaundice while his body filtered out my blood cells. So, we had to do some photo-therapy, but only Friday night. It was still a long night because he couldn't rest in there- no swaddling and no nursing, so a kind nurse gave us a pacifier which helped a ton.
He is a completely different newborn than Carter was. He actually sleeps and eats the way a typical newborn should-- a lot! Carter was so hungry from not being able to nurse that he never rested. Poor baby. Cooper is, knock on wood, easy.
Here are some pictures from the day. Yes, I put on makeup and fixed my hair before surgery. I refused to look like poo on my big day.
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| 40 weeks |
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| What I really felt like |
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| In surgery. Very serious stuff. |
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| Cooper Ryan - mind the modesty patch. |
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| A little bili-light on those perfect piggies. |
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| Look! I haz BAY-BEE! |
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| Pure perfection. What a blessing! |
9.01.2010
Tomorrow, I'll be 40 weeks pregnant.
That is something I never thought I would say. Ever. Not with this pregnancy and not with Carter. But, tomorrow, I will be 40 weeks pregnant with another breech baby boy. Dejavu anyone? Holy mother of sweet baby Jesus on the cross.
Tomorrow, I will give birth to a fuller-than-full term infant. He'll probably wear 3-6 month clothes and size 2 diapers. Not really. No one is concerned about his size except his mother who is sick and tired of carrying him around.
I've already ranted via Twitter because I don't think anyone reads this anymore, but due to an insurance/scheduling/panic-inducing snafu, my previously scheduled c-section which was to have occurred on Monday, 8/30, was re-scheduled to tomorrow. At a different hospital. Nothing like waiting til the last minute, huh? Yeah, that's what this baby said, too.
I had an NST (non-stress test) yesterday at my appointment and was pleased to see that I was contracting, but they weren't strong enough for me to feel. Today, I can feel them, but they're irregular and usually correspond with the feeling of feet in my crotch. So, I'm trying to stay off my feet as much as possible. My poor son has watched entirely too much tv today and is currently dancing to Yo Gabba Gabba. WHAT HAVE I DONE???
So, my plans for the evening include a decent home-cooked meal, finishing last-minute packing and getting a good night's sleep. Then tomorrow, I will starve and have unquenchable thirst until after this sweet baby is forcibly removed from my body around noon.
Follow me on Twitter for updates. There's a link on my sidebar.
Tomorrow, I will give birth to a fuller-than-full term infant. He'll probably wear 3-6 month clothes and size 2 diapers. Not really. No one is concerned about his size except his mother who is sick and tired of carrying him around.
I've already ranted via Twitter because I don't think anyone reads this anymore, but due to an insurance/scheduling/panic-inducing snafu, my previously scheduled c-section which was to have occurred on Monday, 8/30, was re-scheduled to tomorrow. At a different hospital. Nothing like waiting til the last minute, huh? Yeah, that's what this baby said, too.
I had an NST (non-stress test) yesterday at my appointment and was pleased to see that I was contracting, but they weren't strong enough for me to feel. Today, I can feel them, but they're irregular and usually correspond with the feeling of feet in my crotch. So, I'm trying to stay off my feet as much as possible. My poor son has watched entirely too much tv today and is currently dancing to Yo Gabba Gabba. WHAT HAVE I DONE???
So, my plans for the evening include a decent home-cooked meal, finishing last-minute packing and getting a good night's sleep. Then tomorrow, I will starve and have unquenchable thirst until after this sweet baby is forcibly removed from my body around noon.
Follow me on Twitter for updates. There's a link on my sidebar.
8.19.2010
38 weeks
Some days I come here just to see how many days I have left. The counter says 14, but my section is scheduled three days prior, so 11. Eleven days left. It sounds so close, yet seems so far away.
I've never been this pregnant before.
I've never been this pregnant before.
8.11.2010
Life, daily
I wake before the sun, before my husband, before my son. I shower and dress, while gently waking the men in my life to start their days. Waking Carter is a love/hate act. He is so content and so deeply asleep that some mornings, I have to lift him from his crib to wake his sleepy head. Some mornings, he rises to greet me. I relish in his baby-ness. His soft, rubbery belly skin, his delicious toes and chubby hands. This baby, half me, half him, is amazing.
I change a diaper, put on some clothes and his day starts. These days, he's like a little Linus, insisting on taking his blanket with him most everywhere until he forgets about it, abandoned on the floor. His hair is unruly because his father wants a "professional" to cut it, insists it's time. But... my baby.
The drive to work is getting increasingly difficult. An hour in the car with an infant is easy- make sure their fed and changed and undoubtedly, sleep will follow. An hour with a toddler requires toys and songs and the tickle monster. I keep my eye on him via a special "rear seat mirror" and try my best to keep him entertained.
When we make the turn to his sitter's home, the rising sun blinds us both. I sing, "Hi Sunshine! Good morning Sun!" And he waves, while squinting and smiling. These little moments are ones I do not want to forget. I want to lock them safely away so I can revist them at less happy times.
The drive home is much the same, except most days he's worn out from playing and laughing and running and squealing the day away. A two-hour nap is not enough; the sandman will catch him in the car, too. It makes me happy that he is at a place now where he plays so hard that he cannot help but collapse from sheer exhaustion.
At home, evenings are a race. Dinner, bath, bed. He relishes in "bathtime with Melmo" (he has an Elmo bathmat) and loves the water. Last night, in fact, he dumped a bucket of it on me. Stinker. His feelings are so tender now that even a harsh, "No Sir!" makes his lip quiver and tears come. He usually comes right back for a hug and reassurance that he is still loved.
Footy pj's are a year-round staple. He refuses to sleep under a blanket, so, long sleeves and feet it is. He is so adorable, so delightfully squishy in them. He has his night-night milk and it's off to bed he goes. Where he makes not even a whimper, just rolls over to slumber. He's been sleeping with a humidifier due to a little cough, but I think it's almost time to switch back to a white-noise machine. I love that the noises of an awake house do not disturb him if we add a little hum to his room.
His happiness is intoxicating and addictive. His smiles light up a room and his snuggles.... they are incomparable.
Soon, things will change. Time will not be as abundant for him and sharing will be required. I worry about him and the impending adjustment. I worry that I'm not enough for two, that one is all my heart can handle. But, I know that's not true. I know it will grow. I know we will all adjust. We will be fine.
I change a diaper, put on some clothes and his day starts. These days, he's like a little Linus, insisting on taking his blanket with him most everywhere until he forgets about it, abandoned on the floor. His hair is unruly because his father wants a "professional" to cut it, insists it's time. But... my baby.
The drive to work is getting increasingly difficult. An hour in the car with an infant is easy- make sure their fed and changed and undoubtedly, sleep will follow. An hour with a toddler requires toys and songs and the tickle monster. I keep my eye on him via a special "rear seat mirror" and try my best to keep him entertained.
When we make the turn to his sitter's home, the rising sun blinds us both. I sing, "Hi Sunshine! Good morning Sun!" And he waves, while squinting and smiling. These little moments are ones I do not want to forget. I want to lock them safely away so I can revist them at less happy times.
The drive home is much the same, except most days he's worn out from playing and laughing and running and squealing the day away. A two-hour nap is not enough; the sandman will catch him in the car, too. It makes me happy that he is at a place now where he plays so hard that he cannot help but collapse from sheer exhaustion.
At home, evenings are a race. Dinner, bath, bed. He relishes in "bathtime with Melmo" (he has an Elmo bathmat) and loves the water. Last night, in fact, he dumped a bucket of it on me. Stinker. His feelings are so tender now that even a harsh, "No Sir!" makes his lip quiver and tears come. He usually comes right back for a hug and reassurance that he is still loved.
Footy pj's are a year-round staple. He refuses to sleep under a blanket, so, long sleeves and feet it is. He is so adorable, so delightfully squishy in them. He has his night-night milk and it's off to bed he goes. Where he makes not even a whimper, just rolls over to slumber. He's been sleeping with a humidifier due to a little cough, but I think it's almost time to switch back to a white-noise machine. I love that the noises of an awake house do not disturb him if we add a little hum to his room.
His happiness is intoxicating and addictive. His smiles light up a room and his snuggles.... they are incomparable.
Soon, things will change. Time will not be as abundant for him and sharing will be required. I worry about him and the impending adjustment. I worry that I'm not enough for two, that one is all my heart can handle. But, I know that's not true. I know it will grow. I know we will all adjust. We will be fine.
8.09.2010
Adventures in Potty Training, sort of
So, a couple of weeks ago, I bought Carter a potty chair. C kind of thought I was crazy but I figure it's never really too early for a kid to start learning. So, I told my sitter about his sometimes-dry morning diapers and she encouraged me to let him sit on his potty. I did and he peed. We successfully did that 2 or three times- once after a nap, even. Each time we cheered and danced and then I poured it in the toilet and let him flush while we said, "Bye bye, tee-tee!"
Then, this morning. Things started off well, but he wasn't really on the seat good and he was kind of trickling out of the reservoir. So, I readjusted him. Then, he dropped his plastic ball in between his legs. Then he tried to retrieve it and each time I said "No baby, you can't have your ball...." (because it's covered in pee but I don't want to tell you it's dirty because I don't want you to think pee is a bad thing). So, he got up and went and plopped down against the tub and cried. And peed. All over my bath mat.
I knew things were going too well.... Monday's sometimes just start in the pisser.
Then, this morning. Things started off well, but he wasn't really on the seat good and he was kind of trickling out of the reservoir. So, I readjusted him. Then, he dropped his plastic ball in between his legs. Then he tried to retrieve it and each time I said "No baby, you can't have your ball...." (because it's covered in pee but I don't want to tell you it's dirty because I don't want you to think pee is a bad thing). So, he got up and went and plopped down against the tub and cried. And peed. All over my bath mat.
I knew things were going too well.... Monday's sometimes just start in the pisser.
7.30.2010
35 weeks
I think we're doing alright here at 35 weeks. I've slowed down a lot and my husband picks up a ton of slack. But, all in all, I'm ok.
Carter is almost 19 months old.... unbelievable. He's grown so much and is such a big boy. I'm so proud and just a little bit smitten. I sure hope Small Fry measures up!
7.15.2010
Where is the easy button?
As of today, I'm 33 weeks pregnant. That means there's seven weeks left til my due date and about 6.5 weeks til my c-section. I'm not terribly uncomfortable yet, although I think I did have some contractions yesterday due to maybe not getting enough water and maybe the super spicy Chinese food I had for lunch. Or, maybe the baby was just pushing my belly in new and painful positions. Who knows. I probably wouldn't know a contraction if it bit me on the ass, even though I had a few (verified by the monitor) after my water broke with Carter, prior to the c-section. In any case, my hips don't hurt, my boobs aren't sore, I'm sleeping fine and my general discomfort is more from my size than anything.
Since I'm updating on the status of the baby, my doctor felt around on Tuesday and said she thinks he's probably breech too. Apparently, my kids are ready to face the world head on-- and butt first. Ha. My c-section istentatively scheduled for August 30 at 7:15am. I'm getting ready to fax in my FMLA paper work -- everything is getting close.... it snuck up on me.
At home, I've done nothing. Nada. Zilch. Zero. I haven't washed baby clothes, nor have I even organized them. The biggest thing I haven't done is prepare a nursery or even clean out the room that will be the nursery. And believe me, it needs cleaning out. Currently, it's full of junk from the house that we stashed in there when we laid the tile in the kitchen/office. With Carter, I was crazy pregnant hormone lady who HAD to have a nursery ready to go-- and then we didn't use it until he was maybe nine months old. I know the new baby will sleep in our room, too so I'm not stressed about having a nursery all ready to go, but I do need somewhere to put clothes away and stash extra diapers.
I had a baby shower at my mom's this past weekend and got some lovely things. My kids are so blessed to have people who care so much for their parents and them- even before birth. We're so spoiled, and in turn blessed to the highest degree.
I'm still searching for the easy button when it comes to making childcare decisions for Carter. His daycare situation is better, but I have no plans to take him back there after my maternity leave, nor will the new baby go there. I've toured a daycare closer to home that I would like to enroll him in while I'm on leave so he can get out of the house and do something instead of being stuck with a grouchy, sleep-deprived mom 24/7. He deserves better than that! I also have a friend in the town I work that is keeping kids in her house now who said she'd be happy to keep him until I go on leave if things go south at my current daycare-- but I worry that the changes would be too much for him to handle. Not only am I potentially ruining his life by giving him a brother, but I don't want him to think I'm shuffling from here to there to there because I don't want him. I know it's silly and he'd probably adjust just fine, so I'm blaming my hormones. In any case, I'm finding it incredibly hard to make any decisions regarding him right now. The thought of upsetting him hurts my heart.
Also, what if I go in to labor prior to my scheduled date? That's very probable since Carter came 2.5 weeks early and my scheduled date is only three days before my actual due date. In a perfect (miserable) world, everything would go exactly as planned and my mom would stay at the house with Carter while we left in the wee morning hours to go have a baby. By the time he woke up, we'd be ready for him to visit and he'd be able to play til his heart was content with his grandma (who is way more fun than mom and dad). But, if that doesn't happen, I guess we just take him to the hospital with us. And if no one can get there in time to watch him, I'll go through a c-section alone while C is with Carter. It won't be the end of the world, but it's causing me anxiety. I told C last night that I'm more concerned about making sure Carter is happy and cared for than I am about giving birth. My how priorities change.
Since I'm updating on the status of the baby, my doctor felt around on Tuesday and said she thinks he's probably breech too. Apparently, my kids are ready to face the world head on-- and butt first. Ha. My c-section is
At home, I've done nothing. Nada. Zilch. Zero. I haven't washed baby clothes, nor have I even organized them. The biggest thing I haven't done is prepare a nursery or even clean out the room that will be the nursery. And believe me, it needs cleaning out. Currently, it's full of junk from the house that we stashed in there when we laid the tile in the kitchen/office. With Carter, I was crazy pregnant hormone lady who HAD to have a nursery ready to go-- and then we didn't use it until he was maybe nine months old. I know the new baby will sleep in our room, too so I'm not stressed about having a nursery all ready to go, but I do need somewhere to put clothes away and stash extra diapers.
I had a baby shower at my mom's this past weekend and got some lovely things. My kids are so blessed to have people who care so much for their parents and them- even before birth. We're so spoiled, and in turn blessed to the highest degree.
I'm still searching for the easy button when it comes to making childcare decisions for Carter. His daycare situation is better, but I have no plans to take him back there after my maternity leave, nor will the new baby go there. I've toured a daycare closer to home that I would like to enroll him in while I'm on leave so he can get out of the house and do something instead of being stuck with a grouchy, sleep-deprived mom 24/7. He deserves better than that! I also have a friend in the town I work that is keeping kids in her house now who said she'd be happy to keep him until I go on leave if things go south at my current daycare-- but I worry that the changes would be too much for him to handle. Not only am I potentially ruining his life by giving him a brother, but I don't want him to think I'm shuffling from here to there to there because I don't want him. I know it's silly and he'd probably adjust just fine, so I'm blaming my hormones. In any case, I'm finding it incredibly hard to make any decisions regarding him right now. The thought of upsetting him hurts my heart.
Also, what if I go in to labor prior to my scheduled date? That's very probable since Carter came 2.5 weeks early and my scheduled date is only three days before my actual due date. In a perfect (miserable) world, everything would go exactly as planned and my mom would stay at the house with Carter while we left in the wee morning hours to go have a baby. By the time he woke up, we'd be ready for him to visit and he'd be able to play til his heart was content with his grandma (who is way more fun than mom and dad). But, if that doesn't happen, I guess we just take him to the hospital with us. And if no one can get there in time to watch him, I'll go through a c-section alone while C is with Carter. It won't be the end of the world, but it's causing me anxiety. I told C last night that I'm more concerned about making sure Carter is happy and cared for than I am about giving birth. My how priorities change.
7.01.2010
6.26.2010
6.25.2010
6.21.2010
It's been a while since I've said it
Daycare is one of the hardest, most stressful parts of being a working mom. I was wrong to think that mine would be a one-size-fits-all ages and stages. I was wrong to think that just because one class was ok that another would be too. When you lose confidence in the people you are paying to take care of your child for 8-9 hours a day, it's time to make a change.
If only it were that simple.
If only it were that simple.
6.16.2010
About a bathroom.
I have a theory about my office bathroom (newly remodeled). There are three main stalls and then a couple of handicapped stalls that no one uses because they were finished after the main three and frankly, I don't know if they are actually finished or not. So, we have the main three stalls. All identical, yet each with their own... "characteristics".
There is the one on the end against the wall, which is kind of dark and has the fart fan directly above it. Clearly, the people who use this stall prefer their privacy (ifyouknowwhatimean). Then, there's the middle stall (which I'll come back to) and the first stall. Forget that the first stall is connected to the handicapped stalls because again, no one uses them so they may as well not even exist. The first stall is HIGH TRAFFIC and preferred. I wish I knew the psychology behind it because I'm sure there is some. I guess no one wants to sit next to a pooper.
So, the majority of the people (I'm talking 99%) go in the first stall unless it's occupied and then they choose the last stall. What does that leave? That's right. MY STALL. The perfectly good, perfectly unused middle stall.
A couple of months ago, the germaphobe in me (cultivated by my husband) realized that the middle stall was always empty. So, I started using it. Literally, I've been out of the office for a doctor's appointment all morning, come in around lunch and the seat is still up from the previous night's toilet cleaning. NO ONE USES MY STALL BUT ME. In an office, do you realize how awesome that is? AND, if anyone else does use it, the traffic is very sparse which makes my bottom very happy.
I can't believe I just wrote that much about my office bathroom, but I think about it everytime I go in there, so I figured that was the universe's way of telling me to share. Or, maybe I'm just nuts. ZIP IT.
There is the one on the end against the wall, which is kind of dark and has the fart fan directly above it. Clearly, the people who use this stall prefer their privacy (ifyouknowwhatimean). Then, there's the middle stall (which I'll come back to) and the first stall. Forget that the first stall is connected to the handicapped stalls because again, no one uses them so they may as well not even exist. The first stall is HIGH TRAFFIC and preferred. I wish I knew the psychology behind it because I'm sure there is some. I guess no one wants to sit next to a pooper.
So, the majority of the people (I'm talking 99%) go in the first stall unless it's occupied and then they choose the last stall. What does that leave? That's right. MY STALL. The perfectly good, perfectly unused middle stall.
A couple of months ago, the germaphobe in me (cultivated by my husband) realized that the middle stall was always empty. So, I started using it. Literally, I've been out of the office for a doctor's appointment all morning, come in around lunch and the seat is still up from the previous night's toilet cleaning. NO ONE USES MY STALL BUT ME. In an office, do you realize how awesome that is? AND, if anyone else does use it, the traffic is very sparse which makes my bottom very happy.
I can't believe I just wrote that much about my office bathroom, but I think about it everytime I go in there, so I figured that was the universe's way of telling me to share. Or, maybe I'm just nuts. ZIP IT.
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